Ez dixwazim bibêjim "na", lê wekî ku bi serê xwe "erê" derkeve. Rewşa nas? Gelek kes wê nas kirine. Dema ku em dixwazin red bikin, em qebûl dikin, ji ber ku em nizanin ka meriv çawa cîhê kesane biparêze.
What is it — politeness, good breeding or bad boundaries? A second cousin with his family arrived without warning … At a party, you have to eat tasteless aspic, on your long-awaited vacation — to help friends with repairs … “The reason for the inability to refuse is our need for acceptance, approval or involvement,” says medical psychologist Andrey Chetverikov. To one degree or another, we all depend on the approval of significant others and feel the need to belong to a group. The less personal maturity we have, the more difficult it is to separate our desires from the demands of society.
Example: a child is waiting for parental approval, but does not want to make music (become a doctor, lawyer, start a family). Until he learns to approve himself, he is doomed to fulfill «another’s order» and say «yes» where he wanted to say «no».
Another class of situations in which we do not say «no» involves the calculation of some benefit. “This is a kind of trade in consent in order to obtain preferences,” the psychologist continues. — Agree to work on a day off (although I don’t want to) in order to prove myself, get a bonus or a day off … The calculation does not always come true, and we “suddenly” realize that we are sacrificing something, but we receive nothing in return. Or we get it, but not in the volume and quality that we expected. Subjectively, this is also experienced as “agreement against the will”, although in reality we are talking about unjustified or unrealistic expectations.”
Hûn dikarin vê yekê wekî rêyek ku rastiyê bi ceribandin û xeletiyê bihesibînin. Ya sereke ev e ku meriv van xeletiyan dubare neke.
By agreeing when we would like to refuse, we are trying to get away from the conflict, to look “good” in the eyes of the interlocutor — but instead we get only an increase in internal tension. The only way to really strengthen your position is to respect yourself, your own needs and boundaries. By giving up our needs, we give up ourselves, and as a result, we waste time and energy without gaining anything.
Çima em dibêjin erê?
Dema ku em li dijî îradeya xwe li hev bikin, me fêm kir ku çi dibe. Lê çima ev yek jî dibe? Şeş sedemên sereke hene, û ew hemî bi hev re girêdayî ne.
1. Stêreotipên civakî. Dê û bavê me hînî me kirin ku em bi rûmet bin. Bi taybetî bi mezinan re, bi piçûkan re, bi xizmên xwe re… erê, hema hema bi her kesî re. Dema ku jê were pirsîn, redkirina bêedebî ye.
Psîkolog-perwerdekar Ksenia Shiryaeva destnîşan dike: "Kevneşopî, şêwazên pejirandî yên tevgerê û normên fêrbûyî ji me re dijwar dike ku em red bikin." Jiyana li gor hêviyên civakê yan jî kesekî bi taybetî ku ji bo me girîng e, adetek xwezayî ye, û ji bo derbaskirina wê hêjayî hin hewldan e.
Polîtîka tê wateya şiyana ku bi rêzdarî bi kesên din re danûstendinê, dilxwaziya lihevhatinê û guhdarîkirina ramanên ku ji yên me cûda ne. Ev nayê wateya bêparkirina berjewendiyên xwe.
2. Sûcdar. Di heman demê de, em pê dihesin ku ji mirovekî hezkirî re "na" re dibêjin "Ez ji te hez nakim." Heger di zarokatiyê de dêûbav bi awayekî aktîf li hember hestên me an îfadekirina hewcedariyên me bêhêvîbûn an dilgiraniyê nîşan bidin, helwestek wusa dikare were çêkirin. Bi salan, ev hesta sûcdariyê bi zorê di nav bêhişiyê de, lê qels nabe.
3. The need to look «good». For many, a positive image of themselves is important — both in their own eyes and in the eyes of others. In order to maintain this image, we are ready to give up a lot of really important things.
“If we are forced into agreement by irrational attitudes: “I must always help”, “I must be good”, then our attention is completely directed outward,” continues the psychologist-educator. We do not seem to exist on our own — but only in the eyes of others. In this case, our self-esteem and self-image depend entirely on their approval. As a result, you have to act in the interests of others, and not in your own interests, in order to maintain a positive image of yourself.
4. Pêdiviya pejirandinê. Ger dêûbav ji zaroktiyê ve ji zarokê re eşkere bikin ku ew amade ne ku di hin mercan de jê hez bikin, wê hingê mezinek ku ji redkirinê ditirse dê ji wî mezin bibe. Ev tirs me dike qurbana daxwazên xwe, da ku ji komê dernekevin, ji jiyanê neyên jêbirin: pêşkeftinek bûyeran mîna trajediyek xuya dike, her çend bi rastî tiştek tirsnak tê de tune be.
5. Tirsa ji pevçûnê. We are afraid that if we declare our disagreement with others, such a position will become a declaration of war. This phobia, like many others, arises if the parents reacted sharply to our disagreement with them. “Sometimes the fact is that we ourselves do not understand the reason for the refusal — and it is impossible to explain to another, which means that it is difficult to withstand the subsequent onslaught of questions and insults,” explains Ksenia Shiryaeva. “And here, first of all, a sufficient level of reflection is needed, an understanding of one’s resources and needs, desires and opportunities, fears and aspirations – and, of course, the ability to express them in words, to declare them out loud.”
6. Zehmetiya biryaran. Di bingeha vê tevgerê de tirsa xeletiyê, bijartina xelet heye. Me mecbûr dike ku li şûna ku em bi hewcedariyên xwe mijûl bibin, piştgiriyê bidin însiyatîfa kesek din.
Meriv çawa fêrî redkirinê dibe
Nekarîna redkirinê, sedem û encamên wê çiqas giran bin jî, tenê kêmasiya jêhatîbûnê ye. Zehmetiyek dikare were bidestxistin, ango fêr bibe. Û di vê perwerdeyê de her gavek din dê li ser xwebawerî û xwebaweriya me zêde bike.
1. Dem bidin xwe. Heke hûn ji bersiva xwe nebawer in, ji kesê din bipirsin ku wextê bide we ku hûn bifikirin. Ev ê ji we re bibe alîkar ku hûn daxwazên xwe binirxînin û biryarek agahdar bidin.
2. bahane nekin. Bi kurtî û zelal ravekirina sedema redkirinê yek tişt e. Bi ravekirinên devkî û lêborînxwestinê re hevpeyivîn serûbinkirin tiştekî din e. Ya paşîn dê bi tu awayî ji we re bibe alîkar ku hûn rêzdar bin, û bi îhtîmalek mezin dê bibe sedema aciziyê di nav hevpeyivîn de. Heger hûn dixwazin bibêjin “na” û di heman demê de hurmeta xwe jî biparêzin, dema ku hûn dibêjin na, peyvan winda nekin. Lêborînên neurrotîk ji redkirina aram û bi hurmet zêdetir zirarê didin têkiliyekê.
3. Heke hûn ditirsin ku navberê aciz bikin, wisa bêjin. Just like this: «I would hate to offend you, but I have to refuse.» Or: “I hate to say this, but no.” Your fear of rejection is also an emotion that should not be forgotten. In addition, these words will smooth out the harshness of the refusal if the interlocutor is touchy.
4. Hewl nedin ku redkirina xwe telafî bikin. Attempts to compensate for the refusal are a manifestation of unconscious fears. By refusing to fulfill someone’s request, you are not indebted to him, therefore, he has nothing to compensate you. Remember: your right to say «no» is legal.
5. Pratîk bikin. Li ber neynikê, bi hezkiriyên xwe re, li dikan û xwaringehan. Mînakî, gava ku garson pêşniyar dike ku şîrîn biceribîne, û hûn tenê ji bo qehweyê têne hundur. An jî şêwirmendek li firotgehek tiştek ku ne li gorî we ye pêşniyar dike. Ji bo ku hûn redkirinê nas bikin, vê hestê bi bîr bînin, fêr bibin ku hûn fêm bikin ku piştî "na"ya we tiştek tirsnak çênabe.
6. Qene nebe. Dibe ku hevpeyivîn dê hewl bide ku we manîpule bike da ku hûn bipejirînin. Dûv re zirara ku hûn ê bi razîbûnê bistînin bînin bîra xwe û li ser axa xwe bisekinin.
Pirs ji xwe bipirsin:
— What do I really want? You may need time to sort this out. If so, do not hesitate to ask for a delay in the decision (see point 1).
— What am I afraid of? Try to figure out what kind of fear is preventing you from giving up. By defining it, you can more accurately place emphasis on your needs.
— What will be the consequences? Calmly evaluate: How long time and effort will you lose if you agree? What emotions will you experience? And vice versa: what will be the consequences in case of refusal? Perhaps you will win not only in time, but also in self-esteem.