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The elder, the seriousness that must succeed
The elder shows the way because he makes us parents and founds a family. Before him, we were a couple of lovers, after him, we are a couple of parents, always in love of course… This first original experience excites us: we admire his first burp, his first tooth, his first steps, his first word … And there are many more pictures of him than of the following children in the family album… Another advantage, theelder has exclusive parental attention, it is very rewarding to see that his parents only have eyes for him, it reinforces a good “self-esteem”. That is the positive side, but the first born also wipes the casts and suffers from the worries and mistakes of his beginner parents … It is on him that they project their hopes and their desires, it is he who is supposed to fill their gaps and fix what they missed. As shrinks say, the eldest marries “parental neurosis”! Faced with this significant parental pressure, the elders do everything to correspond to parental desires, they are more obedient, more serious, more responsible. In large families, the older daughters often complain of having been forced to take care of the little ones and of having suffered from acting as devoted “little mothers” in spite of themselves. Older boys are more valued and often enjoy a natural leadership authority in adulthood. Finally, the mistake to avoid is asking the elder to be perfect. Even if he is the tallest of the siblings, he also has the right to make tantrums and anger. At 3, 4, 5, 6 years old, he is still a child! If we force him to be “grown up” too soon, he will not have the opportunity to enjoy his childhood and you should not blame him if he does not want to grow up and still behaves like a baby at 20 years old. past …
The younger, the resourceful rebel
If there are only two children, the younger is more rebellious than his older brother or older sister because he builds himself by seeking to differentiate himself from him. The youngest has a lack. From the age of 2, he knows that he will never have the first place, that he has not had exclusivity like the eldest who is shown as an example, who has privileges, who does everything before and seems more invested by parents. He knows that for parents, it’s déjà vu, that they don’t go into ecstasies as much. If the two are of the same sex, the jealousy between them is much more important, but also the complicity. If they are of different sex, each affirms their prerogatives (“I have a penis” and “I will make babies” …), they are complementary and less jealous of each other. For parents too, this is a real change. They are amazed to discover what they did not know with the first one, it is not a “remake”. THEThe cadet is built with the idea that he is always a little late. This can discourage him, but also stimulate him because he cherishes the hope of finally surpassing his model! The advantage of being a junior is that he learns a lot of things by observing and imitating his big brother or his big sister … He does not need to clear the land, it has already been done. This is how the older ones, without really wanting it, allow the younger ones to feed on everything they know how to do. We still insist on parental education, but education by siblings does exist, even if it is much less recognized! If there are three children, the youngest is stuck between a mad admiration for the elder and a touch of jealousy for the younger one. to whom we tend to cede everything! Hence the importance for parents to differentiate it from the first and avoid calling it “the little one”.
The youngest, the champion of seduction
He is the siblings’ “lifelong baby” because no one really wants to see him grow up. It is generally said that he is the spoiled, the most admired of all, but it depends on how his arrival was invested by the parents. If he arrives long after the others, he can be greeted as a spoiled hero by the whole family (including big brothers and sisters), but also as a nuisance, the one that we did not expect and which forces us to dive back into the diapers and bottles that we thought we had got rid of! The essential parameter for a cadet to be fulfilled is that he is welcome. With him, we must underline his progress, avoid “talking baby” to him and not locking him in the stereotype of the capricious youngest to whom nothing can be refused. Otherwise, he risks disillusionment in adulthood outside the family cocoon. In particular in the professional sphere where his requirement to be served will not pass at all!
The place of twins in siblings
The arrival of twins or triplets in the siblings can pose a problem for other children. They feel excluded and sometimes they even become aggressive, or even have difficulty in school, a way for them to attract attention. On the one hand, because the twins rightfully monopolize all the attention and time of the parents. On the other hand, because twins have a power of fascination over adults and the others suddenly feel less “exceptional”, and therefore less interesting. When they have little difference with the twins, they often perceive them as a tight-knit and powerful couple who question their place. They may hold a grudge against this entity, which they will try, around 7-8 years old, to separate. To limit this feeling, it is important that parents find a special – and individual – moment with each of their children. By leaving the twins with their grandparents, for example. Finally, we must reassure everyone: twins are time-consuming, that’s for sure, but it won’t last.