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Sometimes we realize that our life and the life of our family is somehow wrong. But what exactly is behind this “wrong”? After all, we want ourselves and our loved ones to live, as in a fairy tale, happily ever after. How to find the problem and fix it?
Why do some families become problematic while others remain healthy? Perhaps there is some recipe for harmony and happiness? “Let’s cross the threshold of a troubled family and see what exactly is going wrong in it, as it should be,” writes Valentina Moskalenko, author of the book “I Have My Own Script. How to make your family happy.
Let’s start with a troubled family. Probably, someone recognizes himself in the description. In such a family, all life revolves around one problem and its bearer. For example, a despotic or domineering mother or father, betrayal of one of the partners, his departure from the family, addiction — drug, drug, alcohol or emotional, mental or any other incurable disease of one of the household. This list is not exhaustive, and each of us can easily think of a few more problems.
In such situations, the children who suffer the most are those who are deprived of attention — after all, it is focused on the main family trouble. “Something must be sacrificed for dysfunction, and the first sacrifice, of course, is healthy family interactions,” writes Valentina Moskalenko.
In any family, there should be important components: power, time for each other, honesty, expression of feelings and much more. Let’s consider these criteria in both models — healthy and problematic.
In healthy families, parents have the power to maintain a certain order. But they use power flexibly. «Problem» parents act autocratically and even arbitrarily — «It will be so because I said», «Because I am a father (mother)», «In my house everyone will live by my rules.»
There is often confusion between authoritative adults and autocratic adults. Valentina Moskalenko explains the difference. Authoritative parents listen to children and other family members before making a decision that affects everyone. In autocracy, the decision is made by one person, the opinions of others are not taken into account.
Piştre
If we grew up in such a family, then one day we find that our feelings, desires, needs are of no interest to anyone. And we often reproduce this pattern in later life. We select partners who “completely by chance” do not put our interests in anything.
Wext pere ye, lê her kes wê nagire
Di malbatek saxlem de, dem ji bo her kesî heye, ji ber ku her kes girîng û girîng e, psîkolog piştrast e. Di malbatek bêfunctional de, adetên axaftinê, pirskirina li ser hest, berjewendî û hewcedariyan tune. Ger pirs bêne pirsîn, ew li ser peywirê ne: "Niwan çawa ne?" Her tim ji jiyana malê tiştên girîngtir hene ku bêne kirin.
Often plans are made in such families, but then they change, promises to spend time with children are not kept. Parents give double, mutually exclusive instructions, because of which the child does not know how to act and how to react. “I am very interested in what you have learned in karate. But I can’t go to your competition — I have a lot to do.» Or “I love you. Go for a walk, don’t get in the way.»
«Problem parents» could say: «Time is money.» But at the same time, the most precious and valuable creature — his own child — did not get this jewel.
Paşî
Our interests and needs are not important. We are not worthy of time and attention. Then we find a partner with whom we relax at different times, we get used to the fact that we never have enough strength — a husband or wife has a lot of work, friends, important projects.
Mafê şahiyê
In healthy families, in addition to the necessary obligatory tasks — work, study, cleaning — there is a place for games, rest, and entertainment. Serious and «non-serious» cases are balanced. Responsibility and duties are distributed among family members equally, fairly.
In problem families, there is no balance. The child grows up early, takes on adult functions. The duties of a mother and father are hung on him — for example, to educate younger brothers and sisters. You can often hear in the address of older children — «You are already an adult.»
Or the other extreme: children are left to their own devices. They have plenty of time. Parents pay off them with money, so long as they do not interfere. Chaos is one of the options for unhealthy relationships in the family. There are no rules, no one is responsible for anything. There are no rituals and traditions. Often households walk around in dirty or torn clothes, live in an untidy apartment.
Piştre
You can’t waste time relaxing. You can’t relax. We must take care of others, but not ourselves. Or an option: why take on some business, it makes no sense.
Cihê hestan heye?
In healthy families, other people’s feelings are valued, they can be expressed. In troubled families, many emotions are taboo. “Do not roar”, “Something you are too cheerful”, “You can’t get angry.” In such families, children often experience guilt, resentment and shame for their own feelings. In healthy families, the whole gamut of feelings is welcomed: joy, sadness, anger, calmness, love, hatred, fear, courage. We are living people — this motto is tacitly present in such families.
Piştre
We have learned to hide our true feelings not only from others, but also from ourselves. And this prevents us from being sincere, open, showing up in relationships with a partner and our own children in the future. We pass the baton of insensitivity down the stage.
Dilsozî Needed
In healthy relationships, we are honest with loved ones. Children and parents share with each other. Unhealthy families have a lot of lies and secrets out of the blue. Households get used to lie and get out on trifles. Some secrets are kept under lock and key for years, passed down from generation to generation, «getting out» in the most unexpected and nightmarish way. Maintaining a secret requires a lot of energy from the family system. And in a healthy family, this energy could be used for development.
Piştre
We have learned to lie not only in a big way, but also in small things. An honest conversation is not available to us. And we reproduce this model in our further relations.
Hevkarî û mezinbûna kesane
Di malbatên saxlem de, endamên wê piştgirî didin pêşkeftina yên din, di vê yekê de dibin alîkar. Bi serketinan re şa bibin, bi têkçûnan re bibin hev. Ji hest û daxwazên kesên din re rêz bigirin. Malbatek weha ji xwe re wekî komek yekane agahdar e, ku yek ji bo hemî û hemî ji bo yekî. Li vir keda her kesî ya ji bo doza hevpar tê nirxkirin.
In problem families, on the contrary, personal development is rarely encouraged. «Why do you need this? I’d rather find a job.» Support and approval can only be obtained if the actions of one family member will benefit the family. Why did the wife decide to go painting at 35? What is the use of this? I’d rather wash the windows.
Piştre
We have learned and are perfectly able to concentrate on others, but not on ourselves. And from this point, one step to codependency.
Meriv çawa bibe malbatek saxlem?
Psychologist Claudia Black, whose words are quoted in the book, defined the rules of a dysfunctional family with three «nots»: don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust. Valentina Moskalenko gives 10 signs of a healthy family, which we should strive for.
Problems are recognized and addressed.
Encourages freedom of perception, thought, discussion, choice and creativity, the right to have their own feelings and desires.
Each member of the family has its own unique value, the differences between relatives are valued.
Family members know how to take care of themselves and do not need overprotection.
Parents do what they say, keep promises.
Roles in the family are chosen, not imposed.
It has a place for entertainment and recreation.
Mistakes are forgiven — they learn from them.
The family is open to new ideas, it exists for the development of man, and not for suppression.
Family rules are flexible, they can be discussed and changed.
Di malbatê de kesek bi tenê rojekê dibîne ku jiyan ne wisa ye. Û heke ew hewl bide ku vê yekê fêm bike û di jiyana xwe de bicîh bîne, ew ê ji bo başbûnê gavek mezin bavêje.