You are late for a meeting or realize that you made a faux pas in a conversation, and immediately hear a condemning inner voice. He harshly criticizes, declaring: there is no person more rude, lazier, more useless than you. How to protect yourself from these destructive messages and learn to be kinder to yourself, psychologist Christine Neff explains.
We feel a constant need to prove to ourselves and others that we are good, and for the slightest mistakes we punish ourselves. Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to be better. But the problem is that self-criticism is destructive and ineffective. Psychologist Christine Neff proposed the concept of «self-compassion». In her research, she found that people who feel compassion for themselves lead healthier and more productive lives than those who criticize themselves. She wrote a book about it and agreed to answer a few questions.
Psychologies: What is self-compassion?
Kristin Neff: I usually give two answers. In simple terms, it means treating yourself like a close friend — with the same care and attention. More specifically, self-compassion has three components.
The first is benevolence, which prevents judgment. But in order for it not to turn into self-pity, two other components are necessary. Understanding that nothing human is alien to us: it is important to remind ourselves that our mistakes and imperfections are part of the overall human experience. And in this sense, compassion is not a feeling of “poor me, poor me”, no, it is an acknowledgment that life is difficult for everyone.
And finally, mindfulness, which also saves us from gloomy thoughts and self-pity. It means the ability to go beyond yourself and see what is happening, as if from the outside — to see what a difficult situation you are in, that you made a mistake, to understand your feelings, but not to plunge into them, as we often do. For true compassion, you need all three components.
Why did you decide to deal with this topic at all?
I was writing my dissertation at the University of California and I was very nervous about it. In order to cope with stress, I went to meditation classes. And there for the first time I heard from the teacher about how important it is to be kind to yourself, and not just to others. I didn’t even think about it before. And when I started showing compassion for myself, I immediately felt a huge difference. Later, I added the data of my scientific research to my personal experience and was convinced that it really works.
What difference did you notice?
Yes, everything has changed! Self-compassion helps to control any negative emotions, and shame, and feelings of inferiority, and anger at oneself for the mistakes made. It helped me survive when my son was diagnosed with autism. Whatever difficulties life throws at us, be it health problems or divorce, attention and sensitivity to ourselves become support and give support. This is a huge resource that most people don’t even try to use.
How to be truly kind to yourself? I can say that it is good, but do not believe in it …
Self-compassion is the practice of cultivating your intention. At first you give the installation to be kinder to yourself, but you cannot do it by force and therefore at first you feel false. You may experience discomfort and even fear, because we are all used to clinging to self-criticism, this is our defense mechanism. But you have, nevertheless, already planted the seeds. You tune in more and more to kindness, give yourself a chance to try to bring it to life, and eventually begin to truly feel compassion for yourself.
If you know how to support yourself, you have the resources to give more to others.
Of course, acquiring a new habit is not easy at all. But I was amazed at how quickly people can change. Most of those who have completed my Mindful Self-Compassion program say their lives have been transformed. And that’s in just eight weeks! If you continue to work on yourself, the habit is fixed for a long time.
For some reason, it turns out that it is especially difficult to sympathize with oneself at the very moment when it is urgently needed. What to do?
There are different ways to start the “mechanism” of self-compassion, they are experimentally confirmed. These are the same techniques that help to show empathy for other people — physical warmth, gentle touches, soothing intonations, a soft voice. And if you can’t evoke good feelings for yourself right now because you are overwhelmed with negative messages like “I’m an idiot, I hate myself” and “Damn, I screwed up,” try putting your hands to your heart, gently cup your face in your palms, hug yourself, like you are cradling .
In a word, use some kind of warm, supportive gesture, and your physical reaction to the situation will change. You will calm down, and it will be easier for you to turn your head on. It does not always work, there are no miracles, but it often helps.
And where is the guarantee that self-compassion will not grow into selfishness?
Scientifically, just the opposite is happening. Such a person is easier to compromise. He does not adapt to others, but he does not put his needs in the foreground either. He adheres to the idea that everyone’s needs are worthy of consideration. This also applies to couples. Research confirms that the partners of such people feel happier.
Self-compassion helps to control any negative emotions: shame, feelings of inferiority, anger at oneself.
The explanation is simple: if you know how to support yourself and meet your own needs, you have the resources to give more to others. A sense of shame and negative thoughts — «I’m mediocre», «I’m good for nothing» — much more likely to make a person egocentric. A person experiencing shame is so caught up in this feeling that he is unable to give his attention and energy to others.
What advice would you give to those who find it difficult to be kind to themselves?
Compassion can become a habit. Just realize that this is, in fact, the only reasonable way out. Getting bogged down in anger and self-criticism only makes things worse. I learned from personal experience that if I learn to endure the pain of shame, while maintaining a kind attitude towards myself, without ceasing to love myself, then the picture will change very quickly. Now I believe in it.
Also, think of the person you are always willing to sympathize with—a child or a close friend—and imagine the effect the words you are saying to yourself right now will have on them. It is clear that this will not bring him any benefit. Among our acquaintances, each of us has such kind, sympathetic people who could become a role model for us in what and how to say to ourselves, so that these words turn out to be healing, not destructive.
Besides, what is compassion? In a sense, compassion for oneself and others is driven by the same thing — an understanding of the human condition, an understanding that no one is able to fully control their reactions and their behavior. Everyone is affected by thousands of different causes and circumstances. So if you measure yourself differently than everyone else, you create such an artificial division between yourself and others that I think leads to even more disunity and misunderstanding.
About the Expert: Kristin Neff is an Associate Professor of Developmental Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of the Mindful Self-Compassion training program.