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Do your needs always come last? Do you spend all your energy and time caring for and helping others, but there is nothing left for yourself? If so, you are not alone. Many people in this situation are on the verge of exhaustion. How to be?
Perhaps you are happy already because you are helping others — children, husband or wife, friends, parents, or even your beloved dog. But at the same time, you probably happen at least from time to time to feel overloaded and exhausted, because you most likely do not have the resources for your own needs.
“Needs: physical and emotional, spiritual and social – everyone has. And we cannot ignore them for a long time, devoting ourselves only to helping others, ”explains psychotherapist Sharon Martin.
What’s more, caring about others at the expense of yourself can be a symptom of codependency. You can check whether this is true or not in your case by reading the statements below. Which of them do you agree with?
- Your relationships with others are not balanced: you help them a lot, but you get little in return.
- You feel that your needs are not as important as those of others.
- You feel responsible for the happiness and well-being of others.
- You make unrealistic demands on yourself and feel selfish when you put your needs first.
- Your self-worth depends on how well you can take care of others. Helping others makes you feel important, needed, and loved.
- You get angry or resentful when your help is not appreciated or reciprocated.
- You feel obligated to help, solve problems, save.
- You often give advice you didn’t ask for, tell others what to do, explain how to solve their problems.
- You are not confident in yourself and are afraid of criticism, so you try to please others in everything.
- As a child, you learned that your feelings and needs are not important.
- It seems to you that you can live without your needs.
- You are sure that you are not worth taking care of.
- You don’t know how to take care of yourself. No one showed you this by example, did not talk to you about emotions, personal boundaries and healthy habits.
- You yourself are not sure what you need, what you feel and what you would like to do.
Care or indulgence in everything?
It is important to learn to distinguish real care from indulgence in other people’s vices and weaknesses. By indulging, we do for another what he could perfectly do for himself. For example, it’s perfectly fine to drive a 10-year-old to school, but we don’t have to drive a 21-year-old son or daughter to university or work.
Of course, each specific case must be dealt with separately. Let’s say your daughter is terribly afraid of driving, but is trying to overcome her fear and goes to a psychotherapist. In this case, giving her a lift is absolutely fine. But what if she is afraid to drive, but does nothing to overcome this fear? Then, by giving her a lift to work, we indulge her weaknesses, making her dependent on us and giving her the opportunity to put off solving her problems.
Those who indulge other people’s weaknesses are usually those who are generally inclined to do a lot for others out of guilt, duty or fear.
“Caring for young children or elderly parents is completely normal as it is difficult for them to do it on their own. But it is useful to ask yourself from time to time if your child can not do more, because he is constantly growing and developing, gaining life experience and mastering new skills, ”advises Sharon Martin.
Those who indulge other people’s weaknesses are usually those who are generally inclined to do a lot for others out of guilt, duty, or fear. It’s perfectly fine to cook dinner for your spouse (although he or she would be fine on their own) if your relationship is based on mutual assistance and mutual assistance. But if you only give, and the partner only takes and does not appreciate you, this is a sign of a problem in the relationship.
You Can’t Give Up Taking Care of Yourself
“Taking care of yourself is like having a bank account. If you withdraw more money than you put into the account, you will have to pay for overspending, the author explains. The same thing happens in relationships. If you constantly spend your strength, but do not replenish it, sooner or later you will have to pay the bills. When we stop taking care of ourselves, we start to get sick, tired, our productivity suffers, we become irritable and touchy.”
Take care of yourself so you can help others without sacrificing your own happiness and health.
How do you take care of yourself and someone else at the same time?
Give yourself permission. It is important to constantly remember how important self-care is. You can even write yourself a written permission. For example:
(Your name) has the right to ______________ today (for example: go to the gym).
(Your name) has the right not to ________________ (for example: stay up late at work) because he wants to ________________ (relax and soak in the bath).
Such permissions may seem ridiculous, but they help some people realize that they have the right to take care of themselves.
Dem ji xwe re bikin. Set aside time in your schedule that you will devote only to yourself.
Sînor danîn. Your personal time needs to be protected. Set boundaries. If you already lack the strength, do not take on new obligations. If you are asked for help, write yourself a note with permission to say no.
Delegate tasks to others. You may need to delegate some of your current responsibilities to others in order to free up time for yourself. For example, you could ask your brother to babysit your sick dad so you can go to the dentist, or you could ask your spouse to cook your own dinner because you want to go to the gym.
Realize that you cannot help everyone. Striving all the time to solve other people’s problems or take responsibility for others can bring you to nervous exhaustion. When you see a person in a difficult situation, you immediately have a desire to help. You must first make sure that your help is really needed and he is ready to accept it. It is equally important to distinguish between genuine help and indulgence (and we indulge others primarily to assuage our own anxiety).
Remember that it is better to take care of yourself rarely than never. It’s very easy to fall into the all-or-nothing trap of thinking that if you can’t do everything perfectly, it’s not worth trying. In fact, we all understand that even five minutes of meditation is better than nothing. Therefore, do not underestimate the benefits of even minimal self-care (eat something healthy, take a walk around the block, call your best friend). This is worth remembering when trying to find a balance between caring for yourself and caring for others.
“Helping others is a very important thing that gives meaning to our lives. No one calls to become indifferent to other people’s grief and other people’s problems. I only suggest that you give yourself as much love and care as you give to others. Remember to take care of yourself and you can live a long, healthy and happy life!” reminds me of a psychotherapist.
Li ser nivîskar: Sharon Martin psîkoterapîstek e.