Meriv çawa guheztinên nişkave vediguherîne çavkaniyekê?

We are often torn apart by opposite feelings – the desire for change and at the same time the fear of them, because it is not known what will happen next. Someone can’t decide on anything: “I don’t like this job, but I’m afraid to leave for another, because …”. But sometimes changes are chosen for us, burst into life without asking. How to adapt and take advantage even in a seemingly negative situation?

Between routine and experience

The author of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, argued that people are driven by this or that need, which he called “hunger”. He singled out three main types of it (provided that the basic needs are satisfied – for security, food and drink, sleep): hunger for incentives, for recognition and for structure. And it is the combination of these needs or imbalances that drives us to change.

Claude Steiner, a follower of Bern, in his book described the so-called strokes as an important form of satisfying hunger for stimuli, without which the life of any person, small or adult, is impossible.

A child needs strokes in the literal sense – touches, kisses, a mother’s smile, hugs. Without them, according to numerous studies, children lag behind in development. As we grow up, we continue to satisfy our stimulus hunger, but now we replace or supplement physical strokes with social strokes.

That is why “likes” in social networks, compliments from acquaintances and strangers, encouraging words of loved ones are so important to us. We want to hear from another: “I notice you.” Even if our name is spoken in a new company or situation, we will partially satisfy our hunger for recognition.

Have you noticed that newcomers to companies take the initiative in every possible way, try to be attentive to everyone, and are in a hurry to serve? Having worked in the team for many years, we have already received our share of “likes”, we do not need to prove our own importance, and for beginners this is a priority task.

But sometimes it is the lack of fresh stimuli that makes us go on the hunt for novelty. Stimulus starvation keeps us from long lasting routine and isolation. Habitual place of work, functionality familiar to the grinding of teeth, the same hobbies one day turn from a comfort zone into a discomfort zone filled with boredom.

For a breath of fresh air, we are willing to take risks. It is important for us to feel alive, and drowning in a routine, we lose this feeling. This is where the desire for change comes from!

But even when we are ready to start changing our lives, the third hunger puts a spoke in our wheels – the hunger for structure. We often don’t know what to do with our free time. When there is no plan, no to-do list, we lose our footing. We want predictability, we want to know what awaits us in the future.

Clear your future

So that the future does not scare us, so that we can look ahead and move on, we need to take a few steps.

Step 1. Set the right goal. What do we expect from change? Formulate a goal. If it is global and voluminous, break it down into intermediate goals and objectives. When the changes – both planned and unexpected – end, we want to return to stability, reach a new level – financial or spiritual, we want to get some benefits and bonuses. After all, it is not in vain that they say that everything is for the best.

Step 2. Give thanks and let go of the past. When changes hit us, we begin to bargain with ourselves, delve into the past. “I should have done differently”, “Eh, if I went back now, I would then …”, “And if I hadn’t made this decision?”, “Why didn’t I listen to her or him then?”, “Why should I Did you buy that ticket or ticket?

Many stop at the very beginning, endlessly looking for the guilty and sorting out possible solutions in the past. But life is not a computer game, we cannot return to the previous level and go through it again. But we can accept what happened and think about how to deal with it now. We can make the most of the change for ourselves.

And the past must be thanked and said goodbye to it. Sometimes visuals help. Come up with your own and release with gratitude.

Step 3. Check the goal for environmental friendliness, Does it conflict with your values? Let’s say your goal is to take a higher position, but at the same time your girlfriend will be fired from it. They tell you: “We will fire her anyway, no matter who takes her position.” If this is business for you and nothing personal, most likely the goal is environmentally friendly for you. If you can’t take the place of a friend, the target is toxic to you.

Or you decide to launch a project with a turnover of 1 million rubles a month in six months, but something tells you that the goal is unrealistic. But you really want it. Realizing that the goal is unattainable, you will in every possible way push back the implementation of the project. So, maybe you just need to move the deadlines or reduce the size of the desired turnover at first?

It is even more dangerous to sew two or more into one target at once. And these goals conflict and pull in different directions, like a swan, cancer and pike. For example, one woman said this: “I will give birth to a child first, and only then I will launch my own exhibition.”

Perhaps she was not ready to become pregnant and somewhere deep inside she understood that she was much more ready for the exhibition. But all her friends started families, and my mother, no, no, yes, will say that it’s time to give her grandchildren. As a result, neither one nor the other goal was realized.

Honest conversation with yourself sometimes works wonders. Ask yourself what you really want. And don’t make your goals dependent on each other.

Step 4. Notice and seize new opportunities. If the goal is chosen correctly, then quite unexpectedly, the necessary events, the necessary information, the necessary people who will lead you to it will begin to appear in your life. No mysticism. You just start focusing on what is important to you. And you will begin to “pull out” from the data array those that are relevant to you.

But it is not enough to see the opportunity – you need to realize it. And when your chance passes by you, just don’t miss it.

Step 5 Gather information. Change scares the unknown. And the best way to overcome fear is to eliminate illiteracy. We do it in an adult way, without rose-colored glasses. Although, of course, sometimes I really want to be Assol, for whom Gray, who accidentally swam on the ship, will do everything.

Where to get information? From open and preferably reliable sources. Also, find those who have gone through a similar path. Are you about to get a new profession? Talk to those who have already done it. It is better to interview several people, then the picture will be more voluminous. So, the information is collected, the goal is set. It’s time to make a plan.

Step 6. Write a plan and evaluate resources. If you want as few surprises as possible along the way, make a strategic plan. And for each item – a tactical plan.

You had to move to another city. Need an apartment, a job, a school and a kindergarten for children. Set deadlines and priorities – what can wait and what is urgent. What resources are needed for implementation? Who can help? You will have to negotiate with the school yourself, but friends or relatives will help you find the right school in the right area. And so on all counts.

Follow the plan no matter what. The temptation is great to overload it with points. You, like no one else, know yourself – your pace, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities, your strengths. Choose a realistic pace. Limit yourself to a few but realistic points.

Step 7. Surround yourself with the right people. It is extremely difficult to survive changes, adapt to them faster, see thin places alone. Even if you are a true introvert, this is the time to ask for help and support. And it is better to do it in a circle of like-minded people.

Create a support group of those who believe in you and your strength, who are ready to support in word and deed. Cut off unnecessary contacts. When things change, we need a power saving mode. All our energy should be spent on achieving the goal and supporting ourselves, our resource.

Alas, a lot of effort goes into neutralizing those who doubt us, who draw attention to themselves. Or simply involuntarily distracts from the main goal. For example, you were a member of the parent committee, but now, on the eve of moving to another city, give up social work or find a replacement for yourself. And even more so, stop relationships and communication with those who undermine your faith in yourself.

Step 8. Audit your roles. Mom / dad, wife / husband, specialist, daughter, girlfriend / friend, manager, employee. Which of these roles comes to the fore in an era of change? Is the child sick? In the first place is the role of the mother. All the rest fade into the shadows. In an emergency, this is normal. Sooner or later, the acute phase will pass, and other roles will gradually become more active.

But this is not always obvious to the partner, and sometimes to ourselves. It is very important to recognize and accept this. With a partner, manager, mother, friends, calmly discuss and explain what is happening in your life now, how it will change your role as an employee, boss, subordinate, wife, husband, daughter, son. And so – for all roles.

See where you need support and understanding – in what role? What is your main role now rich in and how can it be strengthened and supported? For example, to agree with management and work at home in order to be closer to a sick son or daughter for the first time. To have a rest most, to be fueled by energy, walks, sports. Get plenty of sleep and eat right.

Step 9. Believe in yourself. This is perhaps the most important thing. Even if it seems to you that right now you don’t know where to go, where to start, don’t know how to quickly step over from black to white, tell yourself what Scarlett O’Hara said: “I’ll think of something. Morning will come, and tomorrow will be a completely different day!”