The relationship between mother and daughter is rarely simple. Recognizing their ambivalence and understanding its causes will help ease the tension, says the family psychologist.
Culture offers us the stereotype of motherly love as ideal and selfless. But in reality, the relationship between mother and daughter is never unambiguous. They mix many different experiences, among which aggression is not the last.
It arises when a woman begins to understand that she is growing old … The presence of her daughter makes her notice what she does not want to notice. The mother’s dislike is directed at her daughter, as if she were doing it on purpose.
The mother can also be angry because of the «unfair» distribution of the benefits of civilization: the daughter’s generation receives them more than the one to which she herself belongs.
Aggression can manifest itself almost openly, as a desire to humiliate a daughter, for example: “Your hands are like monkey paws, and men have always complimented me about the beauty of my hands.” Such a comparison is not in favor of the daughter, as if restoring justice to the mother, returning to her what she «owes».
Aggression can be well disguised. «Aren’t you dressed too lightly?» — a caring question hides the doubt that the daughter is able to choose her own clothes.
Aggression may not be directed directly at the daughter, but at her chosen one, who is subjected to more or less harsh criticism (“You could find yourself a better man”). Daughters feel this secret aggression and respond in kind.
I often hear at a confession reception: “I hate my mother”
Sometimes women add: «I want her to die!» This, of course, is not an expression of real desire, but of the power of feelings. And this is the most important step in healing relationships — the recognition of their feelings and the right to them.
Aggression can be useful — it allows mother and daughter to realize that they are different, with different desires and tastes. But in families where “the mother is sacred” and aggression is prohibited, she hides under different masks and can rarely be recognized without the help of a psychotherapist.
In relations with her daughter, the mother can unconsciously repeat the behavior of her own mother, even if she once decided that she would never be like her. The repetition or categorical rejection of the behavior of one’s mother indicates dependence on family programs.
Mother and daughter can relate to each other and to themselves with understanding if they find the courage to explore their feelings. A mother, having understood what she really needs, will be able to find a way to satisfy her needs and maintain self-respect without humiliating her daughter.
And the daughter, perhaps, will see in the mother an inner child with an unsatisfied need for love and recognition. This is not a panacea for hostility, but a step towards inner liberation.