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How to survive a breakup? Is it possible to remain friends? Psychologist Jill Weber explains why you should end a relationship with an ex.
Breaking up a relationship is almost never easy. The injured party thinks, «This can’t be happening!»
The search for ways to fix everything, revive or “fix” the relationship begins. Many are looking for meetings with a partner, trying to discuss the chances of a reunion, appealing to past feelings and posting on social networks. We play for time, find out the relationship, but it only gets worse. The easiest way to cope with pain is to reduce communication with the former partner to nothing.
This advice is difficult to follow. We invent new occasions for meetings — for example, we offer to return forgotten things, we call and ask about the health of former relatives, and we convey congratulations on the holidays. So we create the illusion of a former life, but we do not live.
The only good reason for continuing communication is common children. In the event of a divorce, we continue to share the care of their upbringing. We have to meet and talk on the phone. But even in this case, you should try to keep communication to a minimum and talk only about children.
Here are four reasons to cut off communication.
1. Keeping in touch with your ex will not heal you.
The end of a relationship is painful, but the pain cannot last forever. You will be sad, angry, offended that life is unfair. These feelings are natural and part of the recovery process, but gradually you will accept what has happened.
By continuing to communicate with your ex, you interfere with the recovery process, preferring a destructive strategy of denying the obvious. In order to open up to a new life and confidently plan for the future, it is necessary to fully accept the fact that the relationship has ended. By acknowledging the breakup, you will experience relief, and your life will become calmer.
2. You deprive yourself of energy
While you are directing energy towards communication with a partner, you do not have enough strength for joy, communication with children, hobbies and new relationships.
3. You live in a fictional world
Relationships are over. Everything you think about them is an illusion. Communication with a partner will never be the same, and the fact that you continue it suggests that you live in your own alternate reality, where you are happy together. You are eager to meet, however, communicating in the real world, you feel frustrated. As long as you live in a fictional world, you deprive yourself of real life.
4. You make the same mistakes over and over again.
Those who cannot come to terms with a breakup tend to blame themselves for everything. They do not believe that a breakup can be a chance for personal growth. They scold themselves instead of leaving this relationship in the past and moving on, trying not to repeat the mistakes they made.
If you can’t accept a breakup, your life turns into Groundhog Day. You wake up every day with the same fears, disappointments and accusations against you. You’re stuck in a relationship that doesn’t exist: you can’t be with your ex, but you can’t move either. Once you let go of past relationships, you will feel free and independent from the hurts and regrets of yesterday.
About the Author: Jill Weber is a clinical psychologist and author of Building Self-Esteem 5 Steps: How to Feel Good Enough.