We believe that relationships will make us happy, and at the same time we are ready to put up with the suffering that they bring. Where does this paradox come from? Philosopher Alain de Botton explains that what we unconsciously seek in relationships is not happiness at all.
“Everything was so good: he was gentle, attentive, behind him I felt like behind a stone wall. When did he manage to turn into a monster that does not let me live, is jealous because of every little thing and shuts his mouth?
Such complaints can often be heard in a conversation with a friend or therapist, read on the forums. But is there any point in blaming yourself for blindness or myopia? We make the wrong choice, not because we are mistaken in a person, but because we are unconsciously drawn to precisely those qualities that cause suffering.
Dubarekirin derbas bû
Tolstoy wrote: «All families are happy in the same way, but each family is unhappy in its own way.» He may have been right, but unhappy relationships also have something in common. Think back to some of your past relationships. You may notice recurring features.
In relationships, we rely on the familiar, what we have already met in the family. We are not looking for happiness, but familiar sensations
For example, you fall for the same manipulations over and over again, forgive betrayals, try to reach out to your partner, but he seems to be behind a soundproof glass wall. For many, it is the feeling of hopelessness that becomes the reason for the final break. And there is an explanation for this.
In our life, much is determined by habits, some of which we develop on our own, others arise spontaneously, because it is so convenient. Habits protect against anxiety, forcing you to reach for the familiar. How does this relate to relationships? In them, we also rely on the familiar, what we have already met in the family. According to the philosopher Alain de Botton, we are not looking for happiness in relationships, but for familiar sensations.
Uncomfortable companions of love
Our early attachments—to parents or another authority figure—set the stage for future relationships with other people. We hope to recreate in adult relationships those feelings that we are familiar with. In addition, by looking at mother and father, we learn how relationships work (or should work).
But the problem is that love for parents turns out to be closely intertwined with other, painful feelings: insecurity and fear of losing their favor, awkwardness about our “strange” desires. As a result, we are unable to recognize love without its eternal companions — suffering, shame or guilt.
As adults, we reject applicants for our love, not because we see something bad in them, but because they are too good for us. We feel like we don’t deserve it. We seek violent emotions not because they will make our lives better and brighter, but because they are consistent with a familiar scenario.
We do live by habits, but they have power over us only as long as we are not aware of them.
Having met “the same”, “our own” person, we are unlikely to think that we have fallen in love with his rudeness, insensitivity or self-obsession. We will admire his decisiveness and composure, and we will consider his narcissism a sign of success. But the unconscious highlights something familiar and therefore attractive in the appearance of the chosen one. It is not so important for him whether we will suffer or rejoice, the main thing is that we will again get «home», where everything is predictable.
As a result, we do not just choose a person as a partner based on past relationship experience, but continue to play with him according to the rules that were established in our family. Perhaps our parents paid little attention to us, and we allow our partner to neglect our needs. Parents blamed us for their troubles — we endure the same reproaches from a partner.
Rêya rizgariyê
The picture seems bleak. If we did not grow up in a family of infinitely loving, happy and self-confident people, can we hope to meet such companions in our lives? After all, even if they appear on the horizon, we will not be able to evaluate them.
This is not entirely true. We do live habits, but they have power over us only as long as we are not aware of them. Try to observe your reactions and find similarities in them with your childhood experiences. How do you feel (or have felt in a past relationship) when your partner brushes off your feelings? When you hear from him that you should support him in everything, even if it seems to you that he is wrong? When does he accuse you of betrayal if you criticize his lifestyle?
Now create in your mind the image of a strong, mature person with high self-esteem. Write down how you see him, and try this role on yourself. Try to play out your problem situations. You don’t owe anything to anyone, and nobody owes you anything, you don’t have to save anyone or sacrifice anything for the sake of others. How will you behave now?
You may not be able to break free from the captivity of childhood habits right away. You may need specialist support. But over time, you will learn to recognize dangerous signs in your behavior. In the process of working on yourself, it may seem that the current relationship leads to a dead end. Maybe the result will be a breakup. You may also feel a general desire to move forward, which will be the foundation of a new, healthy relationship.
About the author: Alain de Botton is a writer, philosopher, author of books and essays on love, and the founder of the School of Life, which promotes a new approach to education along the lines of the philosophy of the schools of ancient Greece.