Xwişk û bira: çawa nakokiyên xwe çareser bikin?

“My brother took my toy”

Up to 6-7 years old, children are very emotionally immature. A child does not begin to integrate the sense of possession until the age of 3. Until then, he is egocentric: he lives the world from himself. Everything is at his disposal. He calls, his parents arrive. When he takes his brother’s toy, it may be because he finds it interesting or because he is trying to get in touch with his brother. It can also be jealousy, boredom …

The parents’ solution. Try the substitution. If he takes the blue car, offer him the red one instead. But be careful, because for a toddler it is not the same toy. It is up to you to drive the car so that he understands that it has the same use as the one he had taken. You have to initiate the game.

““ He comes into my room when I want to be alone ”

Here, it is a question of space, of respect for the privacy of the other. It is complicated for the young child to understand. He may feel rejected and perceive it as a loss of love.

The parents’ solution. You can explain to him that his sister doesn’t want to play with him right now. She will tell him when he can come back. She needs a moment, but it’s not final. Give him a hug and go with him to offer him something else: read a story, do a puzzle … Breaking the link will be less difficult to live with since another link takes over. There is no vacuum.

“You spent more time playing with him”

The principle of equality cannot always be respected. If the parent must justify himself for each thing bought, each moment spent, it quickly becomes unlivable! We often make the mistake of wanting to reassure by saying “This is not true. Look, the other time you had the right to that too ”. But that only feeds the desire to count everything. The child said to himself: “Here, my parents also matter. It is because I am right to do so. “The occasion for many arguments … 

The parents’ solution. Do things based on your children’s needs and expectations, not on what his brother or sister has had. Don’t justify yourself to try to convince your child. Instead, say, “Okay. What do you need ? What would make you happy ? Tell me about yourself, your needs. Not from your brother. Everyone speaks their own language. Ask your child how he knows you love him. You will see which language he is more sensitive to. This will help you meet their needs better. In his book, “The 5 Languages ​​of Love”, Gary Chapman explains that some people are more sensitive to gifts, to privileged time, to words of appreciation, to services rendered, or even to hugs.

“I want the same as my sister”

Rivalry and jealousy are inherent in siblings. And very often, it is enough that one wants something for the other to be interested in it too. The desire to imitate, to play with, to experience the same sensations. But buying everything in duplicate is not the solution.

The parents’ solution. If the children are really small, you have to arbitrate. You can say, “You’re playing with that doll right now. When the alarm clock rings, it will be up to your sister to take the toy ”. The awakening has the advantage of being a more neutral arbiter than the parent. If they are older, do not be an arbiter, but a mediator. “There are two children and a toy. Me, I have a solution, it is to take the toy. But I’m sure the two of you will find a better idea ”. It doesn’t have the same effect. Children learn to negotiate and find common ground. Skills useful for their life in society.

“She has the right to watch TV at night and not me”

As a parent, you often have the myth of equality in mind. But what we owe our children is fairness. It’s giving your child what he needs at a given time. If, for example, he wears a 26 and the other a 30, there is no point in buying a 28 for both!

The parents’ solution. We must explain that with age, we have the right to stay up a little later. This privilege, he will also be entitled when he is older. But while he’s little, he needs more sleep to be in good shape.

“He is better than me”, “she is more beautiful than me”

Comparison is inevitable between our children because the mind works that way. The notion of categorization is also taught from kindergarten. It is surprising for the child to think that he has the same parents as his brother (his sister), but that they are however not the same. He is therefore very tempted to compare himself. But we should not fuel this reaction.

The parents’ solution. Instead of saying “but no”, you have to listen to the feelings of the child, his emotion. We want to reassure him when we have to hear why he thinks that. ” Why do you say that ? She has blue eyes, yes ”. We can then do “emotional care” and say what we see positive in your child by being in the description: “I understand that you are sad. But do you want me to tell you what I see in you? And here we avoid comparison.

“I don’t want to lend my things to my sister”

Children’s personal effects are often part of them, of their universe, their territory. They therefore have difficulty detaching themselves from it, especially when they are young. By refusing to lend his things, the child also wants to show that he has some power over his brother and sister.

The parents’ solution. You have to ask yourself what you want to teach your child: generosity at all costs? If he does it with a bad heart, it can become an automatism more than a value. If you give him the right not to lend his toys, then explain to him that next time he will have to accept that his brother or sister does not lend him his things either.

“Mom, he hits me”

It is often the result of a lack of control, of an overly immature emotional brain. The child did not find a peaceful strategy to resolve the conflict. He has failed to say in words what displeases him and therefore resorts to violence to show his discontent.

The parents’ solution. When there are insults or beatings, it can hurt a lot. We must therefore intervene. Contrary to what is generally done, it is better to deal with the victim first. If he regrets his action, the aggressor can go for ointment, for example. No need to ask him to give a kiss because the victim will surely not want him to approach him. If the abuser is too agitated, get him out of the room and talk to him afterwards, cold. Invite him to find an alternative solution to the violence: “What can you do the next time you disagree? “. No need to make him promise that he won’t do it again if he doesn’t know an alternative.

“He broke my Barbie”

In general, when there is breakage, it is unintentional. But the damage is done. When you intervene, distinguish personality from behavior. It is not because the gesture is, perhaps, mean that the child is a bad person.

The parents’ solution. Here too, it is necessary to act as in the event of aggression. We take care of the one who is sad first. If it is possible to repair, the child who broke must participate. Make him understand that he has a chance to make up for it. He learns that actions have repercussions, that n can make mistakes, regret them and try to fix them. At the same time, make him aware of the suffering

on the other to develop empathy.

“He always commands me!”

Elders sometimes tend to take on the role of parents. Well versed in the instructions, it is not because they do not always apply them that they do not allow themselves to call their little brothers or sisters to order. The desire to play big!

The parents’ solution. It is important to remind the elder that this role is yours. If you take it back, it’s better not to do it in front of “the other”. That prevents them from doing the same, that they feel invested with this authority. And he will experience it less as a humiliation. 

Nivîskar: Dorothee Blancheton