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Who among us has not drawn in his head an ideal image of the future, far and not so far? A snow-white house on the ocean, an impressive bank account … It’s a pity that this picture remains a dream, a dream in the midst of which the alarm clock rings, mercilessly returning us to reality. How to finally turn «I want» into «I can»? Natalya Andreina, a psychologist and specialist in finding a vocation, shares her recommendations.
Why is there a gap between thinking and possibilities? Let’s highlight some of the most common reasons.
1. Dreams, obviously unattainable in this situation
“She would like to live in Manhattan,” but her husband will never leave his native Irkutsk, and the woman is not ready to sacrifice her family. There is a gap between “I want” and “I will”. A woman can even feel like a hostage of the situation — exactly until she realizes that everything that happens is only her choice.
2. Alien dreams
Travel today is a real trend, and many borrow other people’s dreams of circumnavigating the world. The truth, however, is that not everyone enjoys flights, sometimes unsafe adventures, unusual cuisine, and simply constant adaptation to new conditions.
3. Inability to think in terms of possibilities
It often happens like this: we have a dream or an idea — and we immediately begin to explain to ourselves why it is impossible to realize it. There are a lot of arguments: there is no money, time, abilities, the wrong age, others will condemn, and indeed “the wrong moment”. We are afraid to change our profession because it is long, expensive and late, but it may well turn out that we have only two months to study and we have where to get money for it.
4. Theory without practice
Many people think that you just need to present in detail the picture of what you want, and then … it will come somehow “by itself”. But that almost never happens. For the press to be embossed, it is not enough to visualize it — it is much more effective to follow a diet and training regimen.
Stereotypes and revision of goals
Why does much that is real seem impossible? Are stereotypes and attitudes always to blame? On the one hand, their influence is really great. We have been taught to «know our place» and this often keeps us in our original position. And even if we decide to take a step, those around us immediately tell us why we will fail.
On the other hand, the pace of life is accelerating, there are more and more things that require our attention every second. We often simply have no time to sit down and think: what do we actually want and whether we can get it. And then, separating dreams from real goals, find examples, set deadlines and draw up a plan of action. In this sense, working with a coach helps a lot: the revision of goals is an integral part of it.
Natural selection was on the side of the most cautious, so change and uncertainty inevitably cause anxiety and stress.
Most often, when we have a global idea, a lot of questions pop up in our minds. Where to begin? How will loved ones react? Is there enough time, money and energy? And, of course: “Or maybe, well, him? And so everything is fine. And this is quite natural. Our brain has preserved the oldest part that remembers well: any changes, new paths and initiative increase the risk of being eaten. Natural selection was on the side of the most cautious, so now change and the unknown inevitably cause anxiety and stress, in response to which that most ancient part of the brain produces one of two reactions known to it: run away or play dead.
Today, our escape route is endless business, tasks, and force majeure, which serve as a plausible excuse not to do the intended business. In addition, we «play dead», falling into apathy, inexplicable laziness, depression or illness — all the same «good» reasons not to change anything.
Even if you just become aware of these mechanisms, it will be easier not to succumb to them. But the best thing is to reduce anxiety. For example, to get as much information as possible, break the case into small tasks, and each of them into ten more subtasks in order to take small steps and slowly but surely move forward.
How to learn to “fly” if problems pull you down
Often I hear from clients: “I don’t want anything,” and then I ask a few clarifying questions to figure out what the reason is. Wanting nothing at all is a sign of clinical depression, and this is not such a common occurrence that all mortgage holders and fathers or mothers of the family have a poll. As a rule, it turns out that a person simply does not have enough time to sit down and think about what he wants. Many are accustomed to exist on autopilot, but it is impossible to get to the right place without knowing the address. If we don’t set goals, we won’t get the results we want. In the depths of our souls, each of us perfectly understands what he wants and how to achieve it.
Opportunity thinking is the ability to not put obstacles in your way. In fact, it comes down to replacing the question “Why can’t it work out?” the question “How else can I achieve this?”. Someone has to be at the helm of your life. And if it is not you, the initiative will be seized by circumstances.
Fly over the abyss
You and I are able to exist in two modes: either we go with the flow, perceiving events and somehow reacting to them (reactive thinking), or we realize that our whole life is the result of our decisions and that we can manage it (thinking with possibilities) .
A reactive person, realizing that the work does not suit him and draws all his strength out of him, complains for years and does not change anything. He explains this to himself by the fact that he can’t do anything else, and at his age it’s too late to retrain. In addition, the new position can be even worse. And in general, it was not in vain that he spent five years at the institute in order to quit everything now!
This is how the mechanism of rationalization works: in order to reduce anxiety, we explain what is happening to ourselves in such a way that it begins to look quite logical.
You have to pay attention to the possibilities consciously before this way of thinking becomes automatic.
A proactive thinker focuses on the possibilities. I don’t like the work — but what exactly: the team, bosses, responsibilities? If you feel uncomfortable in this particular company, you can go to another. If you do not like the duties, it makes sense to think about a new specialization. Find where to learn new things, start practicing. In this case, a person takes responsibility for their dissatisfaction with the work, analyzes what is wrong, and constructively solves the problem.
The difficulty is that you have to pay attention to the possibilities consciously and do it over and over again before this way of thinking becomes automatic. The autopilot leads us along the usual path: our parental attitudes, our own beliefs, and the infantile hope that everything will “dissolve itself” pave the way for us.
To reduce the distance between thoughts and real possibilities is possible only by concrete actions, by clarifying the real state of affairs. If you dream of moving south, learn about the pitfalls, find those who have already traveled this way, find out the advantages of different cities, areas and housing prices. You may not even have to wait until retirement, and the move will be possible in the coming year.
pêşniyarên pratîkî
Trying to “pump” thinking with possibilities, you need to learn how to keep it in the focus of attention. For this:
- Take time to think about what you are unhappy with in every area of your life: career, relationships, health, fitness, finances, leisure. This will give you a list to work with. It is important to recognize that you are responsible for everything that “went wrong” — which means that you have the power to fix everything.
- Decide what, how and when you will start doing to solve the problem. Who can help you? What are your prospects? By consciously focusing on opportunities instead of obstacles, you have the key to all doors.
Suppose you are haunted by your own extra weight. The first step is to admit that it’s not about genetics, «big bones» or colleagues who order pizza to the office every now and then. They don’t let you get in shape, but you yourself. And the reason is not even the lack of willpower — relying on will alone, losing weight is unsafe from the point of view of the emotional state: this is how breakdowns, guilt, self-criticism arise, and there it’s not far from eating disorders.
Learn to think proactively: what opportunities are at your disposal? For example, you can learn more about healthy eating and weight loss principles, learn how to cook light but delicious meals. For self-control, you can find an application with a calorie counter, and for motivation, you can find a company for morning jogging or going to the gym.
And all this — instead of endlessly listing the reasons why «now is not the time», you will not succeed and you should not even start.