Stories change, but the essence remains the same — the heroes or heroines of the next novel do not make our life happier or more stable, but they make us suffer. If we constantly choose these partners, then most likely we have become addicted to a certain type of relationship, says psychologist Susan Daggis-White.
Brain research shows that addiction to any process, be it gambling, uncontrolled eating or unhealthy relationships, affects us in the same way.
First, pleasure begins to be strongly associated with a certain action. Later, we try to regain our sense of bliss, no matter what the cost. And if the brain reads the state of destructive chaos as the most desirable, it will stubbornly strive for it again and again. This starts the wheel of addiction, which only gains momentum over time.
Recognize addiction
If we constantly choose the wrong person, it is important to understand why the brain determines it as the most successful candidate. Once we understand these reasons, it will be easier to get rid of the addiction and never fall for it again. Perhaps this is reminiscent of the emotions that we experienced in childhood or adolescence.
If we have been ignored and humiliated for a long time, we begin to internally take it for granted.
The paradox is that the brain immediately defines the most familiar feelings and emotions as optimal and safe: even those that did not make us happy. The brain, as it were, has already done “work on the mistakes”, analyzed the relationships that are significant for us, remembered the script, and now only responds to meetings with those who promise a repetition of experiences that, for various reasons, they liked so much.
If we have been ignored and humiliated for a long time, we, even if we do not agree with this state of affairs, begin to internally take it for granted. Consider that it is better to face the discomfort of new behavioral habits than to live in the illusion of security.
Here are four steps to help the brain change a persistent stereotype:
1. Think of all the relationships in which you were not happy. Be honest with yourself and try to analyze what exactly seemed so attractive to you in people with whom you clearly did not go along.
2. If right now you are in a union that is destructive for you, the association with a cigarette will help. It is impossible to quit smoking until you know for sure that a pack of nicotine is tempting you in your pocket. You will never be free unless you get rid of that which is slowly poisoning your life, be it cigarettes or an alliance with a person. Think about ways to get out of a relationship that is toxic to you.
3. Remind yourself that your needs are just as important as your partner’s. It would be nice to put them on paper. Surely you want your desires to be respected, your words to be heard, to be appreciated, to be worried about you, to be faithful to you.
4. Changing the needs of a brain that selectively responds only to those relationships in which it is bad is not so simple. However, it can be gradually retrained. If you meet a new person that you see as your potential partner, start initiating and celebrating—or better yet, writing down—the episodes that don’t repeat the previous experience.
For example, you told a person about what upset you about his behavior, not being afraid to scare him away. You discussed what happened, and he reacted to this with understanding. He had a difficult period, and you supported him (in deed or in word). He did not take it silently, but told you how important your participation is to him.
Relationship Detox
It will take discipline to wean yourself from the addiction of being fascinated by people who make you suffer. Everything is like a program to get rid of any other addiction. For example, to overcome the habit of stress eating, it is important not to keep relapse-promoting foods in the refrigerator.
In the same way, it is necessary to free yourself from any artifacts associated with a person whose relationship is destructive for you. Let at least for a while any reminders of him: photos, correspondence, posts on social networks — be removed from your field of vision.
It is not so easy to completely give up what brought us pleasure, even if we are aware of the harm that addiction causes.
This is a kind of psychological and emotional detox in order to free up inner space and start filling it with other, healthy joys. Even if sometimes the addiction will win back your space, do not beat yourself up and just return to your previous positions. This is also a natural stage of liberation from it. For example, you will start reading your ex’s emails again or write a message.
By letting go of past habits and reminders of unhappy relationships, you add more joy and awareness to your life. Renew friendships with those who were dear and interesting to you, return to those activities that really fascinated you.
Bimînin
If you talk to a person who was once a heavy smoker and then quit, he will most likely admit that he still has moments when he wants to smoke. It is not easy to completely give up what brings pleasure, even if we are aware of the harm that addiction causes.
It may not take a month or even a year to rebuild the internal mechanism and start letting those who deserve it into life. Give yourself time, be honest with yourself and mindful of meeting new people who become interesting to you.