“Mêrê berê bertîlê dide zarokan. Çi bikim?»

«Man-holiday» and «man-everyday»

Yulia Zakharova, psîkologê cognitive:

Once, from a divorced man, I heard the words: “my former children.” It is sad, but, unfortunately, the imperfection of the legislation still allows men to consider their children «former»: not to participate in education, not to help financially.

Svetlana, ez bi rastî bi te re hevxem im: heyf e ku mêrê te di nav bav û kalên weha bêberpirsiyar de ye. Bi rastî neheqî ye ku hemî zehmetiyên mezinkirina zarokan tenê li ser we bin. Du kurên min hene û ez ji nêz ve dizanim ku mezinkirina zarokan zehmet e. Ew gelek dem digire, hewl û drav hewce dike. Ez heyrana tehemuliya te me.

You ask, «How can I compete with his money?» It is difficult for me to answer your question: it is not clear how, from your point of view, the victory of a person over money looks like, what it consists of. I will assume that you are more likely to compete with your husband, and not with his money. And, again, I want to ask you: what is the gain? When it comes to children, the payoff usually lies in raising them healthy: physically, mentally, morally. Husband’s money spent on holidays does not create obstacles for you here.

I understand your resentment. The husband chose the role of “holiday person”, and you got the role of “everyday person”. It is difficult for you to compete with him — everyone loves holidays. I imagine how delighted your children are from his visits. Surely they often recall these events, and every time it is painful and unpleasant for you to hear about them. You want your daily motherhood to be fairly valued.

Mezinbûn, nexweşiyên zarokatiyê, qedexe, lêçûnên aborî, kêmbûna dema vala dikeve para we. Lê hûn çawa vê yekê ji zarokan re rave dikin? Tu ji zarokekî sê salî re nabêjî ku dê ji dê û bavê xwe bêhtir razemeniyê dide. Û ew hewce ye?

Children think in simple categories: does not allow to indulge — angry, brought gifts — kind. While children are small, it is difficult for them to understand what mother’s love and real care are. For them, it is as natural as air. Understanding the maternal feat comes later, usually when they themselves become parents. Someday, time will put everything in its place.

Sohbetê bidomînin

Ez difikirim ku we berê jî hewl da ku ji mêrê xwe re rave bikin ku hûn ne hewce ne çalakiyên yek carî, lê hewcedarî arîkarî û piştgirîya domdar, tevî darayî jî ne. Ez texmîn dikim ku heta ku ew bi we re nîvê rê nebîne û ji ber hin sedeman derfeta we tune ku hûn van pirsgirêkan bi qanûnî çareser bikin. Diqewime ku jin ji bêhêvîtiyê hewl didin mêrên berê ceza bikin û dîtina zarokên xwe li wan qedexe bikin. Kêfxweş im ku te ev rê hilnebijart! Ez difikirim ku di serî de ji ber xema zarokan.

Baş e ku di mijara betlaneyê de, bi qasî ku hûn li ser berjewendiya zarokan bisekinin. Girîng e ku zarok zanibin ku ne tenê dêyek wan, lê bavê wan jî heye, her çend "kesê betlaneyê" be jî ku salê çend caran tê. Ew wî dibînin, ji bo evînê diyarî û betlaneyan qebûl dikin û şa dibin. Ji tunebûnê çêtir e.

Yes, of all the hardships and worries, he chose the simplest and most rewarding thing — to arrange holidays for children. You have an idea: offer your husband to spend less on holidays. Why do you want to control his expenses? Maybe you hope that then he will give you the difference in current expenses? Perhaps he will not justify your hopes and will generally stop arranging holidays, and even appearing in your life. Then you will punish not him, but your children. Is this what you want?

Kêfxweşiya zarokan ji heqaretan girîngtir e

It’s not easy, but try to thank your husband for these infrequent holidays. Maybe this will be an incentive for him to arrange them more often. Children are happy, they communicate with their father — and this is more important than resentment. It would be good for children if he appeared, albeit not so spectacularly, but more regularly and more often. This would give you time to rest. Try to talk about this with your ex-husband, perhaps he will listen to your request.

Your husband refuses not only the worries and financial expenses, but also the joy of being a parent. Every day to see how kids grow, change, come up with new words, how funny stories happen to them — this cannot be bought for any money.

Çi heyf e ku karên rojane yên ku hûn bi tena serê xwe hildigirin carinan şahiya dayiktiyê dixe bin siya xwe. Lê ew hîn jî li wir e, rast?