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Sometimes simple things seem impossible. For example, some people experience a panic or fear attack when they need to ask another person for help. Psychologist Jonis Webb believes that there are two reasons for this reaction, and he considers them using two examples from his practice.
Sophie was delighted when she was transferred to a new position. She had the opportunity to put into practice the marketing knowledge gained during her MBA studies. But already in the first week of work, she realized that she could not cope with everything herself. Something was constantly demanded of her, and she realized that she vitally needed the help and support of her new immediate superior. But instead of explaining the situation to him, she continued to struggle alone with the problems that accumulated more and more.
James was getting ready to move. For a week, every day after work, he sorted his things into boxes. By the end of the week, he was exhausted. Moving day was approaching, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask any of his friends for help.
Everyone needs help sometimes. For most, asking for it is easy, but for some it is a big problem. Such people try not to get into situations where you need to ask others. The reason for this fear is a painful desire for independence, because of which any need to rely on another person causes discomfort.
Often we are talking about a real fear, reaching a phobia. It forces a person to remain in a cocoon, where he feels self-sufficient, but cannot grow and develop.
How does the painful desire for independence prevent you from realizing yourself?
1. Prevents us from taking advantage of the help others receive. So we automatically find ourselves in a losing position.
2. Isolates us from others, we feel alone.
3. It prevents us from developing relationships with others, because full-fledged, deep relationships between people are built on mutual support and trust.
Where did they develop the desire to be independent at any cost, why are they so afraid to rely on others?
Sophie is 13 years old. She tiptoes over to her sleeping mother, afraid that she will be angry if she is awakened. But she has no choice but to wake her up to sign permission for Sophie to go camping with the class the next day. Sophie watches silently for several minutes as her mother sleeps, and, not daring to disturb her, also tiptoes away.
James is 13 years old. He grows up in a cheerful, active and loving family. From morning to evening there is endless talk about family plans, upcoming football matches and homework. James’ parents and siblings don’t have time for long, heart-to-heart conversations, so they don’t know how to have them. Therefore, they are not very aware of their own emotions and the true feelings and thoughts of their loved ones.
Why is Sophie afraid to wake her mother? Perhaps her mother is an alcoholic who got drunk and fell asleep, and when she wakes up, her reaction can be unpredictable. Or maybe she works two jobs to support her family, and if Sophie wakes her up, she won’t be able to rest properly. Or maybe she is sick or depressed, and Sophie is tormented by guilt for having to ask her for something.
The messages we receive as children have an impact on us, even if they weren’t spoken directly by anyone.
Notably, the specific details of Sophie’s family circumstances are not that important. In any case, she draws the same lesson from this situation: do not bother others to meet their needs and requirements.
Many would envy the James family. Nevertheless, his relatives convey to the child a message that goes something like this: your emotions and needs are bad. They need to be hidden and avoided.
The messages we receive as children have an impact on us, even if they weren’t spoken directly by anyone. Sophie and James are unaware that their lives are controlled by the fear that a normal, healthy part of their personality (their emotional needs) will suddenly be exposed. They are afraid to ask people who are important to them for something, thinking that it might scare them away. Afraid to feel weak or intrusive, or seem like that to others.
4 steps to overcome fear preventing you from getting help
1. Acknowledge your fear and feel how it prevents you from allowing others to help and support you.
2. Try to accept that your own needs and needs are completely normal. You are human and every human has needs. Do not forget about them, do not consider them insignificant.
3. Remember that those who care about you want you to be able to rely on them. They want to be there and help you, but they are most likely upset by your rejection caused by fear.
4. Try to specifically ask for help. Get used to relying on others.
About the Author: Jonis Webb is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist.