Today, this concept is widely heard. However, not everyone understands what a culture of consent is, and its main principles have not yet taken root in Russian society. Together with experts, we will understand the features of this approach to relationships and find out how it affects our sex life.
1. The concept of «culture of consent» originated in the late 80s of the XX centurywhen Western universities launched campaigns against sexual assault on campuses. It began to be spoken about more and more often thanks to the feminist movement, and today it is contrasted with the concept of a «culture of violence», the main principle of which can be described by the phrase «who is stronger, he is right.»
A culture of consent is an ethical code, at the head of which are the personal boundaries of a person. In sex, this means that one cannot decide for the other what he or she really wants, and any interaction is consensual and voluntary.
Today, the concept of consent is legally prescribed only in a number of countries (Great Britain, the USA, Israel, Sweden and others), and Russia, unfortunately, is not yet among them.
2. In practice, the culture of active consent is expressed by the attitudes “Yes» means «yes», «no»» means “no”, “I wanted to ask” and “I don’t like it — refuse”.
In our society, it is not customary to talk directly about sex. And the attitudes “I wanted to ask” and “I don’t like it — refuse” just emphasize how important communication is: you need to be able to convey your feelings and desires to others. According to sex educator Tatyana Dmitrieva, the culture of active consent is designed to teach people that open dialogue in sex is not just important, but necessary.
“Brought up in a culture of violence, we most often have neither the habit of asking nor the skill of refusing. It needs to be learned, it is worth practicing. For example, going to a kinky party with the intention of refusing everyone, no matter the circumstances, and thus building a skill. To learn that refusal does not lead to anything terrible, and to interact after asking a question is normal and quite erotic.
Very often the absence of “no” does not mean “yes” at all.
Setting «No» to «no» implies that a failure is nothing but a failure. In a historically patriarchal society, women are often afraid or embarrassed to say what they want directly, while men think it out for them. As a result, a woman’s «no» or silence is often interpreted as a «yes» or as a hint to keep pushing.
Setting «Yes» means «yes» implies that each of the partners should make it clear and clear that they want intimacy. Otherwise, any action is considered violent. In addition, this setting assumes that consent can be canceled at any time: change your mind in the process altogether or, for example, refuse to take some action.
3. Responsibility for consent lies primarily with the person who requests it. It is important to understand that phrases such as «I’m not sure», «I don’t know», «Another time» do not constitute agreement and should be taken as disagreement.
“Very often the absence of a clear “no” does not mean “yes” at all. For example, due to trauma, shame, fear of negative consequences, past experiences of violence, power imbalances, or simply a failure to communicate openly, a partner may not say a direct «no» but mean it. Therefore, only an absolutely steady, unquestionable, verbally and bodily “yes” of a partner or partner can give confidence that consent has taken place, ”comments sexologist Amina Nazaralieva.
“People tend to be sensitive to rejection. They can be perceived as something that infringes on self-worth, and therefore refusals can lead to various defensive reactions, including aggressive ones. The wording «No» means «no» emphasizes that the refusal should be taken exactly as it sounds. No need to look for subtexts in it or opportunities to interpret what was said in your favor, no matter How long you want to, ”explains psychologist Natalia Kiselnikova.
4. The principle of consent works both in long-term relationships and in marriage. Unfortunately, violence in long-term relationships is not talked about as often as it should be, because it also occurs there. This is largely due to the stereotypical idea of “conjugal duty”, which a woman is supposedly obliged to fulfill, regardless of whether she wants to do it or not.
“It is important for partners to understand that a stamp in the passport or cohabitation does not give a lifetime right to sex. Spouses have the same right to refuse each other, as well as all other people. Many couples don’t have sex precisely because they don’t have the right to say no. Sometimes a partner who would love to hug or kiss avoids the second because of the fear that he will not be able to ask him to stop later. This completely blocks sexual interaction,” says psychologist Marina Travkova.
“To develop a culture of agreement in a couple, experts recommend following the rule of small steps and starting a conversation with something simple that does not cause much tension. For example, you can tell each other about what you like about the interaction now or liked before. It is important to remember that the principles of a culture of consent go far beyond sex — they are generally principles of respect for the autonomy and boundaries of another person,” emphasizes Natalya Kiselnikova.
The right to “no” preserves the possibility of future “yes”
“We can start by agreeing on a “stop word” and that not all actions should immediately lead to penetration. This is how sex therapists and sexologists often act — prohibiting couples from penetrative sex and prescribing other practices. This is how you manage to bring down the fixation on the fact that you can’t say “yes” and then get sick in the process,” suggests Marina Travkova. You can feel bad at any moment, and that’s okay.
“Experts advise using “I-messages” more often, talking about your feelings, thoughts and intentions in the first person, without judging or assessing the needs and experiences of a partner or partner? — reminds Natalia Kiselnikova.
5. The principle of active consent improves the quality of sex. There is a popular misconception that active consent kills the magic of sex and makes it dry and boring. In fact, according to research, it’s quite the opposite.
Thus, the majority of Dutch schoolchildren and students who have been told a lot about consent describe their first sexual experience as pleasant and desirable. Whereas 66% of American teenagers unfamiliar with the concept said in 2004 that they would rather wait a little longer and take their time with this step into adulthood.
“The magic of sex blooms not in a situation of omissions and guesses about the desires of a partner or partner, but in a situation of emotional security. The same feeling arises when people can directly say what they want and do not want, without fear of being rejected, misunderstood or, even worse, become the object of violence. So everything that works to increase the level of trust helps to make both relationships and sex deeper, more sensual and diverse,” comments Natalya Kiselnikova.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with freezing for a second in the very outburst of passion and, before touching some part of the body and proceeding to penetration, ask: “Do you want?” — and hear «yes.» True, you need to learn to accept rejection. Because the right to “no” preserves the possibility of future “yes,” emphasizes Marina Travkova.