Meriv çawa li ser pirsa "Gelo dê çi bêje?"

They say that a good word heals, and an evil one cripples. Let’s say today you heard 99 compliments and one rebuke. Guess what you will scroll through your head while trying to fall asleep?

It’s only natural to worry about how we’re treated, especially when it comes to those we love and respect. Moreover, this tendency is firmly ingrained in the mind: just a few centuries ago, exile was considered the worst possible punishment. Our ancestors needed society primarily for the sake of survival and did their best to maintain a good reputation.

But back to our time. Today our food and shelter does not depend on a specific group of people, but we still cannot do without them, because we need belonging and support. However, take the risk of asking any self-help guru if it’s worth worrying about what others think of us, and you’ll almost certainly get a lot of guidance on how to stop caring about other people’s opinions.

And therein lies the problem: most of the advice on “how to stop worrying” sounds so contemptuous and arrogant that it’s tempting to roll your eyes and exclaim, “Oh, that’s it!” In addition, there is a suspicion that such advisers just care what others think of them, otherwise why would they deny it so vehemently.

Let’s look for the golden mean. Most likely, you want to hear constructive criticism from those who are important to you, but at the same time move away from gossip, slander and familiarity from outsiders. Of course, envious people and spiteful critics will not go anywhere, but here are nine ways to get their opinion out of your head.

1. Determine who you really value

Our brains love to exaggerate. If he whispers that people will judge you, everyone will think badly of you, or someone will make a fuss, ask yourself: who exactly? Call by name. Make a list of people whose opinion you care about. As you can see, «everyone» has been reduced to a boss and a chatty secretary, and that’s not all. It’s much easier to deal with this.

2. Listen to whose voice sounds in your head

If condemnation frightens you even when nothing of the kind is expected, think about who taught you to be afraid. As a child, you often heard the anxious “What will the neighbors say?” or “It’s better not to do this, friends will not understand”? Perhaps the desire to please everyone was transmitted from the elders.

But the good news is that any harmful belief learned can be unlearned. With time and practice, you will be able to replace «What the neighbors will say» with «Others are so busy with themselves that they have no time to think about me», or «Most people do not care what happens here», or «Only a few people are so interested in someone else’s life that they spend theirs on gossip.»

3. Don’t give in to the defensive reflex

If the inner voice insistently commands: «Defend yourself!», implying that this is the only way to respond to any criticism, do something unusual: freeze and listen. If we instantly erect a defensive wall, everything bounces off it: both reproaches and claims, as well as practical remarks and useful advice. Catch every word, and then decide whether to take it seriously.

4. Pay attention to the shape

Appreciate those who take the time to make constructive comments in a polite and tactful manner. Let’s say someone carefully criticizes your work or deed, but not you, or dilutes the criticism with praise — listen carefully, even if you don’t end up taking advice.

But if the interlocutor becomes personal or weighs out dubious compliments in the spirit of “Well, at least you tried,” feel free to ignore his opinion. If someone does not consider it necessary to at least slightly mitigate the claims, let them keep them to themselves.

5. Just because people are judging you doesn’t mean they’re right.

It must be remembered that private opinion is not the ultimate truth. You don’t have to agree with opponents. However, if you still have a vague feeling that they are right about something, use the following advice.

6. Remain calm, or at least put on a straight face.

Even if «steam comes out of the ears,» there are two reasons not to rush into a counterattack. By your correct behavior you accomplish two things. Firstly, from the outside it seems that rudeness and rudeness do not concern you — any casual witness will be impressed by such restraint. Secondly, this is a reason to be proud of yourself: you have not stooped to the level of the offender.

7. Think about how to deal with what might happen.

Our brain often freezes in worst-case mode: “If I’m late, everyone will hate me”, “I will definitely ruin everything, and they will scold me.” If the imagination constantly slips all sorts of disasters, think about what to do if the nightmare comes true. Who to call? What to do? How to fix everything? When you assure yourself that you can handle any, even the most difficult, situation, the worst and most unlikely scenario becomes not so scary.

8. Remember that attitudes towards you can change.

People are fickle, and today’s adversary may be tomorrow’s ally. Remember how voting results change from election to election. How fashion trends come and go. The only constant is change. Your business is to stick to your views, and other people’s opinions can change as much as you like. The day will come when you will be on horseback.

9. Challenge your beliefs

Those who are too worried about other people’s opinions carry the burden of perfectionism. It often seems to them that only those who are perfect in every way are protected from inevitable criticism. Here’s how to get rid of this belief: make a couple of mistakes on purpose and see what happens. Send an email with an intentional typo, create an awkward pause in a conversation, ask the salesperson at a hardware store where they have sunscreen. That way you know what happens when you make a mistake: nothing.

You are your own harshest critic. It makes sense, because it’s about your life. But every person on the planet is also extremely interested in their own lives, which means that no one is obsessed with you. So relax: criticism happens, but treat it like a home sale: grab everything that is rare and valuable, and the rest as they want.

About the Author: Ellen Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist, specialist in anxiety disorders, and author of How to Be Yourself: Calm Your Inner Critic.