Hevpeyvîn bi Isabelle Filliozat re: Dêûbav: dev ji sûcdariyê berdin!

You say the perfect parent is just a myth. Why ?

In any human being, there is no such thing as perfection. And then it’s not just a myth, it’s also dangerous. When we ask ourselves the question “am I a good parent?” », We analyze ourselves, whereas we should rather ask ourselves what are the needs of our child and how to meet them. Instead of figuring out what the real problem is, you feel guilty about it and end up feeling frustrated that you can’t deliver what you want.

What is it that prevents parents from behaving the way they would like them to?

The first answer is exhaustion, especially when the child is young, because mothers often find themselves alone to take care of it. In addition, parents are given advice on how to educate their child, forgetting that it is a relationship of creation. Finally, you should know that our brain reacts spontaneously by reproducing situations that have already been experienced. If your own parents yelled at you when you knocked over your glass at the table, you will tend to repeat this behavior with your child out of simple automatism.

Are there specific behaviors for fathers and others for mothers?

It was believed for a long time that women worried more about their children than men. However, studies have shown that men who stayed at home were just as worried about being responsible for their children. On the other hand, men have fewer role models and paternal representations because their own father was often little involved in their education. Some fathers ask themselves a lot of questions about how to bring up their child, unlike mothers who MUST know how to take care of it and therefore feel guilty. In the same way, we notice that mothers rarely receive bonuses compared to fathers, who are highly valued as soon as they take care of their child at all.

Is the role of parent more difficult to assume than in the past?

In the past, a child was brought up by a whole community. Today, parents are alone with their child. Even grandparents are often absent because they live far away, and this isolation is an aggravating factor. France thus remains one of the most authoritarian countries: more than 80% of parents admit to hitting their children. However, as the offer of canvassing grows larger, they compensate by buying them candy, soda, allowing them access to television, which further reinforces their guilt.

Do you think, as the saying goes, that “everything is decided before 6 years”?

A lot of things happen even before birth. Indeed, today we know that incredible things are happening at the fetal level and, from the first days, parents can see that their baby has its own character. However, when we say that “everything is played”, that does not mean that everything is played. There is always time to right your mistakes by facing your story and acknowledging your share of responsibility. Parent-child relationships should not stand still. Be careful not to put a label on your little one such as “he is slow”, “he is shy”… because children tend to conform to the definitions we give them of them.

So what advice would you give parents to get them back in control of their behavior?

They must learn to breathe and dare to think in terms of objective before taking action. For example, if you yell at your child for spilling his glass, you will only make him feel more guilty. On the other hand, if you keep in mind that your goal is to teach him to be careful not to start over, you’ll be able to stay calm and simply ask him to go get a sponge to wipe the table. Being aware of your own history also makes it possible not to reproduce the abuse of language, devaluation and other injustices that we have suffered, with our own children.