Bi rûmet bihêlin: çima ji bo mêran ew qas dijwar e?

“One evening, after returning from work, I found a flyer for a well-known airline, which was lying on the table in the living room, in the most visible place. Inside was a ticket to New York. I demanded an explanation from my husband. He said that he met another woman and was going to move in with her.” This is how the husband of 12-year-old Margarita announced the end of a 44-year marriage.

And this is how the boyfriend of 38-year-old Lydia said after a year of cohabitation: “I received an email from him in which he said that he was happy with me, but fell in love with another. The letter ended with a wish of good luck!

And finally, the final relationship of 36-year-old Natalia with her partner after two years of relationship looked like this: “He closed himself in and was silent for weeks. I tried in vain to break a hole in this blank wall. He left, saying that he was moving to friends to think about everything and sort himself out. He never came back, and I didn’t get any more explanations.»

“All these stories are further proof that it is incredibly difficult for men to recognize and express their feelings,” says psychotherapist and sexologist Gianna Schelotto. — They are blocked by the fear of their own emotions, so men tend to deny them, believing that this way they will avoid suffering. It’s a way of not admitting to yourself that there are problems.”

In modern society, men are accustomed to act and achieve concrete results. Breaking up a relationship destabilizes them, because it is synonymous with loss and insecurity. And then — anxiety, fear and so on.

It is because of this that many cannot calmly part with a woman and often rush headlong into a new novel, barely completing the previous one, and sometimes not finishing it. In both cases, it is an attempt to prevent a terrorizing inner emptiness.

Inability to separate from mother

“Men are, in a sense, “emotionally disabled” when it comes to a breakup,” says Gianna Skelotto, “they are not prepared for separation.”

In early childhood, when the mother is the only object of desire, the child is sure that it is mutual. Usually the boy realizes he was wrong when the father steps in—the son realizes that he must share his mother’s love with him. This discovery is both intimidating and reassuring at the same time.

And when there is no father or he does not participate much in the upbringing of the child? Or is the mother very authoritative or too patronizing? There is no important realization. The son remains sure that he is everything for the mother, that she cannot live without him and leave her means to kill.

Hence the difficulties in relations with an already adult man: to associate himself with a woman or, conversely, to quit. Constantly oscillating between wanting to leave and feeling guilty, the man does nothing until the woman makes her own decision.

Transfer of responsibility

A partner who is not ready to initiate a breakup can provoke it by imposing on the woman the solution he needs.

“I prefer to be abandoned rather than quit myself,” says 30-year-old Nikolai. “So I don’t turn out to be a bastard.” Enough to behave as unbearably as possible. She ends up taking the lead, not me.”

Another difference between a man and a woman is said by 32-year-old Igor, married for 10 years, the father of a small child: “I want to give up everything and go far, far away. I have similar thoughts 10 times a day, but I never follow their lead. But the wife survived the crisis only twice, but both times she left to think.

This asymmetry in behavior patterns does not surprise Skelotto at all: “Women are more prepared for parting. They are “made” to produce offspring, that is, to overcome a kind of amputation of a part of their body. That’s why they know how to plan a break.»

Changes in the social status of women over the past 30-40 years also speak of this, adds Donata Francescato, an expert at the Italian Psychologies: “Starting from the 70s, thanks to emancipation and feminist movements, women have become more demanding. They want to satisfy their sexual, love and mental needs. If this mix of desires is not realized in a relationship, they prefer to break up with a partner. In addition, unlike men, women experience a vital need to enjoy and be loved. If they start to feel neglected, they’re burning bridges.»

Men, on the other hand, are still, in a sense, held hostage to the XNUMXth-century concept of marriage: when the phase of seduction has exhausted itself, they have nothing more to work on, nothing to build.

“A man by nature is not as whimsical as a woman, he needs less confirmation of feelings. It is important for him to have a lair and the opportunity to play the role of a breadwinner, which guarantees him food, and a warrior who can protect his family, Francescato continues. “Because of this pragmatism, men realize the fading of relationships too late, sometimes even too much.”

However, the psychologist claims that the situation is slowly starting to change: “The behavior of young people becomes like a female model, there is a desire to seduce or be loved. The priority is a passionate «binding» relationship with a woman who will be both a lover and a wife.

Difficulties in Revelation

What about a face-to-face breakup? According to Gianna Skelotto, men will take a big step forward when they learn to calmly separate, and not break relationships harshly. Now, having made the decision to break up, men often behave rudely and almost never reveal the reasons.

“To give explanations means to recognize the separation as an objective fact that needs to be analyzed. Disappearing without a word is a way to deny the traumatic event and pretend that nothing happened,” says Skelotto. In addition, “leaving in English” is also a means to deprive a partner of the opportunity to defend himself.

“He left in one second after three years together,” says 38-year-old Christina, “and only briefly left that he could no longer live with me. That I put pressure on him. Eight months have passed, and I still ask myself what he wanted to say that I did wrong. And so I live — in fear of again making the same old mistakes with the next man.

Everything unsaid kills. Silence pulls out all the anxieties, self-doubt, so the abandoned woman cannot easily recover — because now she questions everything.

Are men being feminized?

Sociologists say that 68% of breakups occur at the initiative of women, 56% of divorces — at the initiative of men. The reason for this is the historical distribution of roles: a man is a breadwinner, a woman is a keeper of the hearth. But is it still so? We talked about this with Giampaolo Fabris, professor of consumer sociology at the Iulm Institute in Milan.

“Indeed, the images of the mother woman and the keeper of the hearth and the male hunter protecting the family are evolving. However, there is no clear boundary, the contours are blurred. If it is true that women are no longer economically dependent on a partner and separate more easily, then it is also true that many of them have difficulty entering or returning to the labor market.

As for men, they, of course, “feminized” in the sense that they take care of themselves and fashion more. However, these are only external changes. Many men say they don’t mind a fair division of household chores, but few of them devote their time to cleaning, ironing or doing laundry. Most go to the store and cook. The same with children: they walk with them, but many are not able to come up with some other joint activity.

All in all, it doesn’t look like modern man has undergone a real role reversal. He continues to feel responsible for the woman on the material level, but depends on her on the level of feelings.