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Whatever the temptation, we will never be able to easily divide the world into two simple and understandable poles: black and white, positive and negative, and treat people and events accordingly. Our nature is dual, and we often experience dual experiences that are difficult to sort out. Our reader tells what conflicting feelings a parting with a person whom she no longer considers close causes in her.
Quite a while after the divorce, when I suddenly admitted to myself that I feel nostalgic for our common life. Looking back, I see many things more clearly and honestly. We always had dinner together, and then we sat with our arms around each other, watching movies, and we both loved those hours alone. I remember how he held my hand when at the doctor’s appointment we were told that we would have a son. True, now I know that at that very time he had a relationship with another woman.
When I remember these episodes, I feel joyful, sad, and unbearably hurt. I ask myself: why am I sometimes so sad that a relationship with someone I no longer want to see next to me still didn’t work out? Sometimes it seems to me that this is devoid of any logic. I am glad that no one else plays with my feelings, and at the same time I regret that we did not manage to become a happy couple. I don’t want to be with this person, but I can’t “turn off” my feelings.
Even though he cheated and did everything to make me feel the pain of our divorce, I still miss the period when we were in love and could not tear ourselves away from each other. We were sure that we would be together for the rest of our lives. I had never experienced anything like the magnetic wave that swept over us.
I can’t deny that there was a happy period in our relationship, for which I am grateful to him
At the same time, I hate my ex. The man who trampled on my trust and put my feelings in vain. I cannot forgive him that he did not come to me when our relationship gave the first crack and he felt miserable. Instead, he tried to find understanding and support from another. With this woman he discussed our personal problems. He started a relationship with her while I was pregnant with our son, and I’m still hard, hurt and ashamed because of the way he behaved.
However, I cannot deny that there was a happy period in our relationship, for which I am grateful to him. This does not mean that I want him back, and does not cancel the pain that he caused me. But I can’t forget how we laughed carelessly, traveled, made love, dreamed about the future. Perhaps the fact that I eventually found the strength to admit my difficult feelings towards my ex-husband allowed me to let go of this relationship. Perhaps this was the only way to move on.
“By devaluing life together with a former partner, we devalue ourselves”
Tatyana Mizinova, psîkoanalîst
You can sincerely rejoice for the heroine of this story, because her recognition of all her feelings is the most healthy way to respond to the situation. As a rule, we do not enter into relationships with people who are unpleasant to us. We live vivid and unique moments that may never happen again. We are waiting for other relationships that may suit us more, but they will not be exactly the same, because everything changes — both we and our perception.
There is no perfect relationship, it’s an illusion. There is always ambivalence in them. There is something good and important that brought people together and held them together, but there is also something that brings pain and disappointment. When the severity of constant frustrations exceeds the pleasure, people disperse. Does this mean that you need to forget all the good things and give up your life experience? Not! It is important that we go through all the phases of mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Often, well-meaning friends, trying to support, try to denigrate our ex-partner as much as possible. Why worry so much if he was a worthless person, an egoist and a tyrant? And it even brings momentary relief … Only now there is more harm from this.
We miss not a person, but those dear to our heart moments that are associated with him
Firstly, by devaluing the “enemy”, they also devalue us, making it clear that we have chosen someone not that our bar is not high. Secondly, we get stuck in the phase of anger, and this greatly slows down the way out of the traumatic situation, leaving no resource for building something new.
Having consciously parted with a partner, we honestly say that we do not want more relationships with this person. Why do we miss and remember him? It is worth asking yourself a direct question: what do I miss? Most likely, it will turn out that we do not miss the person, but those moments dear to our hearts that are associated with him, those moments of happiness that were lived together, and often the fantasies that our partner aroused in us.
It is for these moments that we are grateful, they are dear to us, because they are an important part of our life experience. Once you accept this, you can move on and rely on them as your most important resource.