"Pesn, lê ji dil nefret": çima ev dibe?

Sometimes “pleasant words” are inscribed in an unpleasant context, and then the “compliment” evokes unpleasant feelings and situations in memory. Also, not all compliments are pleasant. Sometimes it matters whether they are publicly expressed or face-to-face, from whom you receive them, how you treat this person: for example, compliments from men are perceived differently than from women. Differently «pleasant» words sound from strangers and well-known people, significant or superior. We pay attention to whether the praise is well-deserved, personal or formal.

Here are some examples of false compliments that no one wants to hear:

• “Yes, yes, you’re doing well” — a formal stroking, when it reads between the lines: “Get off me”, “How tired I am of all this.”
• “Yes, it didn’t work out … But you are such a beautiful girl” — it seems that out of pity they are telling you something that has nothing to do with the subject of the conversation.
• “Look — what a fine fellow, a good girl (said with sarcasm)” — favorite passive-aggressive formulations from adults are perceived as humiliation.
• “She brought beauty herself, but didn’t do her homework” — as a rule, these words are followed by other accusations.
• “This achievement has taken you to a new level” — it is understood that now the bar is higher and the requirements are tougher, you must comply, otherwise you will disappoint.
• “You only do well when you need something” — followed by an accusation of manipulation, use, selfishness and “did you even think about me?”.
• “You’re doing well, now do it for me” — then you will be asked to do something that you may not want, but cannot refuse.

When you hear such «compliments», you are overcome by unpleasant feelings. They seem to take you back to the past — to where you had a negative experience.

For example, you are experiencing:

• embarrassment. Do you want to “fall through the ground” or “dissolve”, as long as no one sees;
• confusion. What is the right way to respond to this praise?
• shame with a nasty aftertaste and feeling, «as if undressed»;
• doom from the fact that a request will follow that you cannot but fulfill;
• anger and resentment due to the fact that beauty was opposed to modest mental abilities;
• anxiety that the compliment is not deserved and you will not be able to match this level in the future;
• the feeling that you are being pitied and praised to console and cheer;
• fear that achievements can cause envy and damage relationships with others whose achievements are less successful.

Childhood traumas, painful associations make it difficult to believe in the sincerity of compliments and praises. And yet there are those who sincerely admire you, truly respect and appreciate you. Therefore, it is worth rethinking the past on your own or with a specialist in order to believe in yourself, that you deserve to hear pleasant words addressed to you.