Çima ew qas zor e ku em hevjînê xwe yê ku xerabiyê li me dike bihêlin?

“Relationships in which one person exploits another create a bond between them based on betrayal. The victim becomes attached to his tormentor. The hostage begins to defend the criminal who is holding him. The victim of incest shields the parent, the employee refuses to complain about the boss who does not respect his rights, ”writes psychologist Dr. Patrick Carnes.

“Traumatic attachment usually defies any reasonable explanation and is very difficult to break. For its occurrence, three conditions are most often needed: the clear power of one of the partners over the other, unpredictably alternating periods of good and bad treatment, and unusually emotional moments in the relationship that unite the partners,” writes psychiatrist M.Kh. Logan.

Traumatic attachment occurs when partners go through something risky together that causes strong emotions. In a dysfunctional relationship, the bond is strengthened by a sense of danger. The well-known «Stockholm syndrome» arises in much the same way — the victim of abuse, trying to protect himself in an unpredictable relationship, becomes attached to his tormentor, he both horrifies her and becomes a source of comfort. The victim develops inexplicable loyalty and devotion to the person who mistreats her.

Traumatic attachment is especially strong in relationships where abuse is repeated in cycles, where the victim wants to help the abuser, «save» him, and one of the partners seduced and betrayed the other. Here is what Patrick Carnes says about this: “From the outside, everything seems obvious. All such relationships are based on insane devotion. They always have exploitation, fear, danger.

But there are also glimpses of kindness and nobility. We are talking about people who are ready and want to live with those who betray them. Nothing can shake their loyalty: neither emotional wounds, nor dire consequences, nor the risk of death. Psychologists call this traumatic attachment. This unhealthy attraction is enhanced by a sense of danger and shame. Often in such relationships there is betrayal, deceit, seduction. There is always risk and danger in some form.”

What is unpredictable reward, and what role does it play in traumatic attachment? In the case of a dysfunctional relationship, this means that cruelty and indifference at any moment can suddenly change into affection and care. The tormentor occasionally suddenly rewards the victim by showing affection, giving compliments, or giving gifts.

For example, a husband who has beaten his wife then gives her flowers, or a mother who has long refused to communicate with her son suddenly begins to talk to him warmly and affectionately.

The unpredictable reward leads to the fact that the victim is constantly eager to receive the approval of the tormentor, she also has enough of rare acts of kindness. She secretly hopes that everything will be fine as before. Like a player in front of a slot machine, she gets addicted to this game of chance and is ready to give a lot for the sake of a ghostly chance to get a “prize”. This manipulative tactic makes rare acts of kindness more impressive.

“In threatening situations, we are desperately looking for any glimmer of hope — even a small chance for improvement. When the tormentor shows even a little kindness to the victim (even if it is beneficial for him), she perceives this as proof of his positive qualities. A birthday card or a gift (which is usually presented after a period of bullying) — and now he is still not a completely bad person who may change in the future. Often the victim is grateful to his tyrannical partner just because he treats her normally for a while, ”writes Dr. Patrick Carnes.

What happens at the level of the brain?

Traumatic attachment and unpredictable rewards cause real addiction at the level of brain biochemistry. Research shows that love activates the same areas of the brain that are responsible for cocaine addiction. Constant difficulties in relationships can, oddly enough, further increase the dependence. This process involves: oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol and adrenaline. Abuse by a partner may not weaken, but, on the contrary, strengthen attachment to him.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in the «pleasure center» of the brain. With its help, the brain creates certain connections, for example, we associate a partner with pleasure, and sometimes even with survival. What is the trap? Unpredictable rewards release more dopamine in the brain than predictable ones! A partner who constantly changes anger to mercy and vice versa attracts even more, an addiction appears, in many ways similar to a drug addiction.

And these are far from the only brain changes that occur due to abuse. Just imagine how difficult it is for the victim to break off relations with the tormentor!

Signs of traumatic attachment

1. You know that your partner is cruel and manipulative, but you can’t get away from him. You always remember past bullying, blame yourself for everything, your self-esteem and self-respect completely depend on your partner.
2. You literally walk on tiptoe so as not to provoke him in any way, in response you receive only new bullying and only occasionally some kindness
3. You feel like you are dependent on him and you don’t understand why. You need his approval and turn to him for comfort after the next bullying. These are signs of a strong biochemical and psychological dependence.
4. You protect your partner and do not tell anyone about his disgusting deeds. You refuse to file a police report against him, stand up for him when friends or relatives try to explain to you how abnormal his behavior is. Perhaps in public you try to pretend that you are doing well and you are happy, downplaying the significance of your partner’s abuse and exaggerating or romanticizing his rare noble acts.
5. If you try to get away from him, then his insincere remorse, «crocodile tears» and promises to change every time you convince. Even if you have a good understanding of everything that actually happens in a relationship, you still harbor a false hope for change.
6. You develop a habit of self-sabotage, start hurting yourself, or develop some kind of unhealthy addiction. All this is just an attempt to somehow move away from the pain and bullying and the acute sense of shame caused by them.
7. You are again ready to sacrifice principles for the sake of this person, allowing what you previously considered unacceptable.
8. You change your behavior, appearance, character, trying to meet all the new requirements of your partner, while he himself is most often not ready to change anything for you.

How do you cut violence out of your life?

If you have developed a traumatic attachment to a person who is abusing you (either emotionally or physically), it is first important to understand and acknowledge this. Understand that you have this attachment not because of any wonderful qualities in your partner, but because of your psychological trauma and unpredictable rewards. This will help you stop treating your relationship as something «special» that requires more and more time, energy, and patience. Violent pathological narcissists will not change for you or anyone else.

If for some reason you can’t end the relationship yet, try to distance yourself from the “toxic” partner as much as possible. Find a therapist who has experience working with trauma. During therapy, you become aware of what really happened in the relationship and who is responsible for it. You are not to blame for the bullying you experienced, and it is not your fault that you developed a traumatic attachment to a tyrannical partner.

You deserve a life free of bullying and abuse! You deserve healthy relationships, both friendship and love. They will give you strength, not deplete. It’s time to free yourself from the fetters that still bind you to your tormentor.

Çavkanî: blogs.psychcentral.com