Everyone can name a lot of his «bad» traits that he would like to keep under control. Our columnist psychotherapist Ilya Latypov believes that others still see the real us. And they accept us for who we are.
There are two extremes in our idea of how well other people can «read» us. One is the feeling that we are completely transparent, permeable, that we are not able to hide anything. This feeling of transparency is especially strong when experiencing shame or its lighter variation, embarrassment — this is one of the features of shame.
But there is another extreme, connected with the first, the idea that we are able to hide from other people what we are afraid or ashamed to show. Does your tummy stick out? We will pull it in properly and we will always walk like that — no one will notice.
Speech defect? We will carefully monitor our diction — and everything will be in order. Does your voice tremble when you worry? «Excessively» reddening of the face? Not very well-delivered speech? Vile antics? All this can be hidden, because those around us, seeing this, will surely turn away from us.
It is hard to believe that other people treat us well, seeing many of our features.
In addition to physical disabilities, there are also personality traits. You can be ashamed of them and diligently disguise, believing that we will be able to make them invisible.
Greed or stinginess, obvious bias (especially if objectivity is important to us — then we will hide partiality very carefully), talkativeness, impulsiveness (this is a shame if we value restraint) — and so on, each of us can name quite a few of our «bad» features that we are trying our best to control.
But nothing works. It’s like pulling in your stomach: you remember for a couple of minutes, and then your attention switches, and — oh horror — you see him in a random photo. And this pretty woman saw him — and still flirted with you!
It is hard to believe that other people treat us well, seeing many of our features that we would like to hide. It seems that they stay with us because we manage to control ourselves — but this is not so. Yes, we are not transparent, but we are not impenetrable either.
Our personality, as it already is, is being pulled out from behind all the bars that have been built for it.
Our idea of what we are for other people, how they perceive us, and how others actually see us, are mismatched images. But the realization of this difference is given to us with difficulty.
Occasionally — seeing ourselves on video or hearing our own voice in a recording — we encounter only the most noticeable dissonance between how we see and hear ourselves — and how we are for others. But it is with these us — as in the video — that others communicate.
For example, it seems to me that I am outwardly calm and unperturbed, but when viewed from the side, I can see an anxious, restless person. Our loved ones see and know this — and we still remain «ours».
Our personality, as it already is, breaks out from behind all the grids built for it, and it is with it that our friends and relatives deal. And, oddly enough, they do not scatter in horror.